Chapter 8 - Marriage and Honeymoon

Chapter 8

Marriage and Honeymoon

Vidhya and I cleared our final examinations in flying colours. My only regret was that Vidhya beat me in the final rankings and I had to settle for an overall second position. But since I loved Vidhya so much, I was proud of the fact that she had topped her class.

Vidhya wanted to take up a job to benefit from her education. While our financial position did not require her to take up a job, I agreed to her wishes because I felt that she could keep in touch with the latest developments in her field. However, I wanted her to concentrate on our children once they arrived. She said that she would cross those bridges after we reached them.

As a topper, Vidhya had the option to pick up many jobs for the asking. The standard of education in Suratkal was highly respected in the industry at large and there were offers of employment from many employers for both Vidhya and me. I was going to join our family bidi business but Vidhya had a choice of jobs. She chose one of a Trainee Engineer with Mangalore Refineries. Her education in Chemical Engineering was perfectly suited to the job and furthermore, the job did not require her to stay away from Mangalore.

A few weeks after our results were declared, Amma spoke to Appa about my marriage to Vidhya. Appa agreed eagerly. He called up Vidhya’s parents and they agreed to meet in our home for discussions. The discussions went as expected.

Our engagement was agreed to and fixed for the month of October on Dassera day and marriage for the following January. Since by then Krishna was also engaged, we enquired with our priest to find out if both our marriages could be solemnized on the same day.

Luckily there were two such auspicious times on the same day. So it was decided that both our marriages were to be held on the same day at the same venue. There was a lot of shopping to do and Amma and Krishna became very busy. All preparations were to be done from a scratch right from the identification of a venue for the marriage, the caterers, the decorators and so on. In spite of an army of assistants, Amma became very busy coping with all that had to be done. Since it was going to be the only occasion when a marriage in our family was to be solemnized, we had to pull out all stops for the occasion.

Soon the big day arrived. The auspicious time for Krishna’s marriage was before mine. And as the bride’s brother and the groom, it was a doubly important occasion for me. At the end of the day, we were all very tired.

One incident I must describe here.

After I had won the bet with Raja in college, I had not resumed growing a beard and was clean shaven all along. Even at the marriage, I was clean-shaven. All my friends from College and from school were invited to the marriage. Both Raja and Sarala were present. I am not aware how but Raja and Sarala were by then engaged to be married to each other.

While receiving gifts and presents from my college friends, Sarala and Raja stayed back after the others had left. After some idle talk, it was time for them to leave to make way for the next guests. Sarala shook hands with Vidhya and Raja with me.

When suddenly, Raja and Sarala together said, “Convey our best wishes to Raji also!” For a moment, I could not comprehend, but Vidhya froze.

Then it dawned upon me that Raja and Sarala were cryptically telling us that they knew who Raji really was!

I smiled at them and they told us, “Don’t worry, your secret is safe with us. But Radha really looked beautiful and just like a woman that night that I was completely fooled!”

Later that night, both Vidhya and I lost our virginities.

We celebrated our honeymoon in Europe. We left India 3 days after our marriage. Vidhya did all the packing of our clothes.

We first flew into Amsterdam. Amsterdam was very cold when we reached there. Although we were fully equipped with cold weather clothes, we were not ready for the kind of cold that we found.

Soon we realized that we need to reinforce our winter clothing. So in the evening on the day of our arrival, we shopped for some winter clothing.

Vidhya was insistent that she wanted two thick sweaters in women’s styles. I did not demur.

We ate our dinner at a small but expensive restaurant close to our hotel. Being free for the evening, we wanted to explore the night life of Amsterdam for which the city is very well known for. One of the night clubs we visited featured some female impersonators. They were utterly convincing as women when they lipsynched some of the then hits.

When we returned that night to our hotel, Vidhya said to me, I have something for you.”

So saying, she handed me a packet wrapped in Brown paper. By the looks of it, I knew it contained some clothes.

When I opened it, I found a nighty in it. Also included were a bra, a pair of panties and a skirt slip. You know that night in the hostel room,” Vidhya said to me “seeing you disguised as Raji really turned me on. Can you dress up for me in bed?”

“Wearing women’s clothes turns me on too. Given a choice, I will wear women’s clothes every night to bed.” I said.

“No I have a better idea,” said Vidhya. She rummaged through her suitcase and came up with a light blue colored saree with a matching petticoat and blouse

. “You….?”, I could not complete the question..

“I want you to be dressed like a woman for me the whole day tomorrow. I would like to shop like sisters.” Vidhya said.

I was speechless. Much as I enjoyed wearing women’s clothes, I did not imagine I would wear women’s clothes in public like I was a woman myself!

“But these are your clothes! I don’t think they will fit me!” I cried.

“I think they will fit you very well. You know what I did? I gave orders for two blouses for each of the sarees I am carrying – one of your size and one of my size. So effectively, you can wear my clothes easily.” Vidhya explained. “The saree is mine all right but this blouse has been stitched to your measurements!”

"There is only one problem,” I told Vidhya. “I don’t have a wig.”

“Let me ask the hotel reception if there is a wig salon somewhere close by. We can fix up an appointment for tomorrow morning. By tomorrow afternoon, we will have Radha and Vidhya – two sisters from Mangalore!” said Vidhya.

A few minutes later, Vidhya learnt that the best place to look for wig salons was in the yellow pages, a copy of which was in every room in the hotel.

Unfortunately, the yellow pages were in Dutch. But using the visuals, Vidhya did manage to locate a wig salon which turned out to be just a couple of streets away.

Well for the night, I changed into the bra, panties, slip and nighty and we both had wonderful night of sex. Both of us enjoyed my being dressed as a woman and we reached previously unattained heights in our sex life.

The next morning, both Vidhya and I were eager to finish the purchase of the wig for me.

Around 10 we left our hotel and walked the short distance where the wig salon was supposed to be there. It was my first experience to be fitted for a wig. One of the first signs which confronted me was “By Appointments Only”.

Since we did not have any appointment, I was apprehensive about being served. We waited to meet the proprietor who was on the premises. At first, she thought Vidhya wanted a wig since it was a women’s wig salon. Language was also a problem as the proprietor spoke only a smattering of English. We finally managed to explain to her that we wanted to purchase a women’s wig for me because my wife wanted me to be dressed up like a woman for the whole day! You should have seen the way the proprietor’s eyebrows rose after she understood what we wanted. But then she recovered quickly because she had served customers like me, the only difference was that their wives had not accompanied them! In fact they seemed to be mortified about being discovered by their wives and they always paid cash.

The problem now arose about finding a wig stylist who would be free to serve us. Sylvia who had her first appointment at 11 and who was in early offered to help us. We located a cozy fitting room towards the back of the store and soon, Sylvia helped me to try out style after style. Finally we chose for a near black straight long haired wig of shoulder length hair which both Vidhya and I thought suited the shape of my face. Since it had bangs in the front, it effectively hid my normally broad forehead. I thought that with skillful makeup, I would look completely convincing as a woman.

We made our selection quickly. While the wig was being packed, we also bought some accessories for the wig – a wig stand, a cap and some wig shampoo. After paying for our purchases, we shopped further.

I wanted to buy some western outfits for myself. We found a nice boutique of women’s clothes a couple of blocks down the street.

Finding it a little pricey, we decided to go to a less expensive supermarket. The nearest one required a short bus journey. We found a bus stop without much difficulty and soon we were in the women’s clothes department of a large supermarket. For first time visitors abroad like us, it was a huge huge supermarket. Everything from car tyres to television sets to clothes were available in that supermarket.

Vidhya and I were nearly of the same size. So we chose dresses in the same size but in different colors and styles. One was a knee length frock which was a little daring as it had a plunging neckline. The other was more conservative with a high neckline and long sleeves.

Vidhya realized that we needed plunging bras for the daring dress. So we proceeded to the lingerie department and WOW! There were rows and rows of bras in all sizes. Both our bra sizes were 36C. We sought the help of a salesgirl. She asked us if we were looking for any specific types of bras. Being our first visit abroad, we were not aware of the wide range of choices we had. The next few minutes were spent in questions and answers flying back and forth between Vidhya and the salesgirl: At the end of it we knew that bras come in:

1)7 styles: demi-bras, full bras, longline, padded, lace, wonderbras and 18 hour bras.

2)2 materials and combinations: cotton and nylon

3)2 styles of opening: Front and back.

4)At least four colors: Black, ivory, beige and white. Also in red, blue, green and various prints with 2 finishes – shining and solid.

Also that the price of bras depended on the brands. The more expensive being Victoria’s Secret and Fredericks of Hollywood.

In all we purchased 4 bras. One full bra in beige which opened at the back. One front opening black bra with a plunging neckline, a front opening bra in beige which also had a plunging neckline and a wonderbra. The last was simply to check out what a wonderbra was.

Since the dress that we had bought was a little transparent, we opted for beige colored slips for them. We found some very fine silky lace lined slips. Just holding them in my hand made me want to wear them there and then!  Next we went to the cosmetics section.

We bought matte finish foundation in three colors – one which was lighter than my skin tone, one which matched and one which was darker. We also bought two sets of mascara, eyeliner and blush. Finally, a set of attachable nails, nail polish in a matching shade and removers for both the nails and the nail polish.

We purchased some bracelets and clip earrings to go with my clothes. I needed to try out some bangles. When we asked the salesgirl at the jewelry counter if I could try out some bangles, she did not seem surprised. She told me to go right ahead. So with my wife to give me company, I tried out various white and yellow metal bangles. Finally I selected a set of 10 white metal bangles which would look nice on my forearm. I also bought a low priced ladies wrist watch which too, I tried on my hand before buying it. I thought it looked quite demure on my slim wrist.

“You will need to remove the hair on your arms before you wear them.” Said the Salesgirl to me. “Also if your legs are seen, then you might want to purchase some panty-hose to cover your legs.”

“Do you stock hair removing creams?” I asked.

“Aisle 4”, she said “look for a pink colored bottle labeled ‘Nair’”.

We went to Aisle 4 and found what she had described. We picked up a large sized bottle as I had a large area to remove hair from!

We now wanted to buy some pantyhose for myself. Although I was going to remove the hair on my legs, I did not want to wear clothes that showed my legs. Furthermore, it would have been foolish to do so in the, by Indian Standards, bitter cold of Amsterdam.

When we walked across to the Hosiery section, there was an attendant who was in the process of replacing packets which had fallen off the shelves. We asked her as to what size of panty hose I would need. She was speechless for a moment but recovered to suggest “Queen” size.

Finally we needed footwear. This was the first time I was purchasing footwear in my size for a lady. We walked over to the footwear section. Again there were rows and rows of footwear. In the women’s section, we found black colored pumps of my size.

I also discovered that women’s shoes sizes are the same as men’s sizes plus 2½ . So for my male size 9, I needed women’s size 11½ . We also purchased two pairs of shoe liners. Armed with all our purchases, we checked out of the supermarket and returned to our hotel.

Both Vidhya and I could not wait for me to get into my new clothes.

We decided that we would go to an Indian Restaurant for lunch. Vidhya said she would just pop out to the neighbouring pharmacy to make some more purchases, while I had my bath.

I went into the bathroom with the bottle of Nair, my new white bra, panties, loin cloth and hose. I applied Nair copiously all over my body. I did not leave a single spot alone – even on my bikini line. After waiting for the recommended seven minutes, I washed myself off all the cream and all the hair. I was very surprised to see my skin very smooth and completely free of all hair.

After having a quick shower, I dried myself.

I ran my hands all over my body to really feel the smooth hairless skin which I could not believe was really mine! After drying myself fully, I wore my loin cloth, pushing my testicles and penis back into the cavity in my abdomen from where they had descended when I had reached adolescence. Not many men know that it is possible to push one's testicles and penis back into one's abdomen and that too quite painlessly.

Next I wore the hose. As I was to discover that day, pantyhose is worn by first rolling it up on one’s arm and then wearing both the legs together, instead of the way one wears trousers or jeans. I wore my new panties on top of the hose and looked myself on the mirror. I could see only a hairless feminine looking body with silky smooth skin and legs. Finally I wore the bra.

Tying myself up in a bathtowel, I emerged out of the bathroom, just as Vidhya returned with a couple of plastic bags. Pulling out a small box from one of the bags, Vidhya tossed it to me and said, “Here – use these!”.

When I looked inside, I found a box which two somewhat hemispherical soft rubber like flesh colored articles. They had a small amount of weight and were very soft to feel. The box in which they came described them as “breast forms”. Other details on the box said that they were used by women who had had their breast removed due to breast cancer.

“This is interesting.” I said to Vidhya. After reading the instructions, I inserted the forms into my bra cups. Immediately I felt the shoulder strap of my bra dig into my collar bone.

“Wow!” I gasped. “Is this how it feels when you wear a bra?” I asked Vidhya.

“Yes”, she replied. I fondled my new ‘breasts’ and found that they felt almost like real ones.

“I am feeling hungry, can you change quickly?” Vidhya asked.

“I think I would like to wear a saree today. Can I borrow your sweater, Vidhya?” I asked her.

“Oh sure. I will not need it, as I will be wearing my jeans.” She told me.

I chose the light blue saree which Vidhya had shown me yesterday and quickly wore the blouse and the petticoat.

I was about to remove my panty hose when Vidhya suggest that I continued to wear it as it would give some relief from the intense cold outside.

Vidhya helped me make my face up, while I did my nails. I attached the false nails and found a beautiful colorless enamel in Vidhya’s collection which I applied.

While waiting for the nails to dry, Vidhya combed my hair flat, sprayed it into place while simultaneously drying it with the hair dryer. As soon as it was done, she put the wig cap on my head and attached the wig on my head. I started to wear my saree – although wearing it with my nails attached was quite difficult.

Vidhya noticed it and teased me about it, “See the trouble we go to, to make ourselves look beautiful!” I could only smile sheepishly.

I placed the pallu on my shoulder and got the pleats in place and tucked them in. I picked up Vidhya’s sweater and wore it on top of my blouse – I had to drop my pallu for the purpose. “Nice breasts!” Vidhya teased me as I blushed.

Replacing the pallu on my shoulder after buttoning up the sweater, I reached for the bangles which we had purchased earlier in the day. On my now hairless arms, the bangles looked very delicate.

Finally, I wore my wristwatch, some more jewellery – necklace, ring and the newly purchased clip on earrings.

I picked up Vidhya’s purse and put in my documents – passport and International Driving Permit. Vidhya carried her identification papers in the pockets of her jeans. Now we set out together for our lunch.


Chapter 9

Table of Contents

Chapter 7 - A Bet

Chapter 7

A Bet

Later during the first year Amma talked to Appa about Vidhya. As is normal in any arranged marriage, my parents did a background check on Vidhya and found that she belonged to a thoroughly respectable family. Her father was a senior Manager in a nationalized bank while her mother was a housewife. She was an only child.


My parents met her parents and it was decided that although it was premature to go for any formal engagement, they were both going to permit us to be very good friends with each other. Each of us could visit the other’s house and be welcomed like family members. If, by the time we graduated from Engineering College, we still felt the same affection to each other, then we would be engaged immediately and married a few months later – depending upon identifying an auspicious time for the marriage.


Now in my fourth and final year, Vidhya and I still felt deeply attached to each other as we always did. It was almost a foregone conclusion in both in our families and amongst our friends and classmates that we would be married to each other within a few months.


It was during this time that I was challenged by a classmate to go to the Girls’ Hostel and spend a night in it without getting caught. Raja was a classmate who was in love with another of our girl classmates – Sarala - but till then had not dared to tell her about it. He was forever envious of me because I had already hitched my wagon to Vidhya’s and we were scheduled to get married to her later in the year. I knew that Raja wanted to tell Sarala of his love but had not dared to do so for fear of being rebuffed. I had talked about this to Vidhya and she had surreptitiously found out that Sarala also had a soft corner for Raja. Vidhya did not want to interfere in this matter for her own reasons. I wanted to help Raja because he was my friend.


I told him I could accept that challenge but needed a little time to prepare for fulfilling it. He said that I had up to one month from that day to fulfill it. The reward for fulfilling it was that Raja would run around the campus during the day time on his briefs and vest once. The question arose as to what evidence I could produce as having spent the night in the Girls’ hostel. In a fit of bravado, I said that I would get hold of one of Sarala’s salwar Khameez sets. While I could spend the night in the Girls’ Hostel in Vidhya’s room, acquiring Sarala’s Salwar Khameez set was a little too daring an assignment.


I spoke to Vidhya about the challenge and she said she would try and help me out. A couple of days later, Vidhya met me in the evening after classes and outlined her plan:


I was to shave off my beard without which no one had seen me in Engineering College. I was to dress up as a girl – like I had done on stage in school. I would stay in Vidhya’s room as her guest for a night. During the night, there would be a small accident when some water would be spilt on the spare matttress in Vidhya’s room. As Sarala’s room also had a spare mattress, I would shift to Sarala’s room. Later in the night, I was to get hold of a Salwar Khameez of Sarala’s and hide it in my bag which I would leave in Vidhya’s room. I was going to be Rajeshwari – a friend of Vidhya’s – who had an interview in the Engineering College for the post of the Principal’s secretary. Since the interview was very early in the morning, I had decided to stay the night in Vidhya’s room.


I needed Krishna’s help once again. I told her about the challenge and she said that she was game to help me out!


We brought down my old girl’s clothes from the attic and discovered that none of them would fit me now! So once again we went on a shopping spree – two sets of bras, saree petticoats, sarees and matching blouse pieces, a nighty, home slippers, skirt slip to wear under the nighty, bindis, makeup and so on. Krishna insisted I buy two pairs of panties as well. I told Krishna that I would wear my normal briefs under my clothes. She said that it was better to wear a small loin cloth of the kind worn by wrestlers in India and wear panties on top of it. I had seen this in films before and knew what she meant. I agreed and we purchased two sets of loin cloths in addition to two pairs of panties.


The same afternoon we had the tailor come over and measure me out again. This time my bra size had increased to 36C. It was a full grown woman’s size now. And I would look like a grown up woman. Luckily for me, not having shaved for a long time had resulted in my beard not being so tough. But it was a different proposition with my body hair.


Since getting caught would have meant complete humiliation and perhaps expulsion from college, I wanted to have full dress and makeup rehearsal before the actual day. We scheduled that for the day before the actual day and after classes. Both Krishna and Vidhya were to help me rehearse. For complete privacy, I was to leave my hostel room and stay the night in a local hotel. It was going to be the first time that Vidhya would see me dressed like a woman – and as it turned out not the last time. An hour or so before Vidhya was to arrive, Krishna helped me remove all my body hair – chest, back, arms, legs and even in the upper thigh regions. I had to do this while being stripped to my shorts.


We were just starting my make up when Vidhya joined us. She was very surprised to see how different I looked without my beard. Together, Vidhya and Krishna made me up and helped me to change into my blouse and Saree. As it was a new bra, I had to once again adjust the shoulder straps. Vidhya was quite surprised at my dexterity at doing that. I reminded her that I had had considerable practice when I was in school and that I had played many female character roles on the school stage.


By the time my hair was attached to my head, all the old lessons of deportment and mannerisms came back to me. And once I was fully dressed and ready, I was once again transformed into a beautiful young lady. If Vidhya had not seen me getting transformed, she would have been convinced that I was a woman to start with. I was practically unrecognizable and looked completely different from the bearded person I normally was in College. Both Krishna and Vidhya agreed that Sarala and all the other hostel mates would be completely taken in. Vidhya started addressing me as Raji which is the dimunitive for Rajeshwari – my adopted name for the purpose.


The rest of the day, we spent in my trying out my other costumes – the saree in which I was to walk in to the hostel, the nighty and so on.


Suratkal used to be a small place and everyone seemed to know everyone else. I did not want to be seen clean shaven by anyone – at least at that time. So we ordered food from room service and Krishna, Vidhya and I spent the rest of the evening and night in our hotel room.


The next morning, I woke up somewhat late. I wanted to catch up on my sleep because I knew it would be rather difficult to sleep that night. At the same time I had to be careful not to appear very puffy eyed.


In the afternoon, Vidhya returned to her hostel and Krishna helped me get ready.


I started with a very close shave. Afterwards, it was layers and layers of make up. The make up had to look natural. Anyway, if anyone was to ask me, I was going to say that I had blotches on my face because of a skin condition so I needed to apply thick makeup to hide it.


Once I was completely dressed, we put all my spare clothes into another small overnight bag. These spare clothes consisted of a bra, panties, a saree and a matching blouse and petticoat, a nighty and a slip to wear under the nighty. For good measure, Krishna added a half opened packet of Sanitary Napkins wrapped in a newspaper. When I asked Krishna about it, she explained that any lady always kept a few spare Sanitary Napkins with her. It would also look very realistic to have a packet in my bag.


We had arranged for a taxi to pick us up at about 6 in the evening to transport us to the hostel. We chose that late hour because I would have better chances of escaping close scrutiny in the evening than in bright sunlight. I could also closet myself in Vidhya’s room all evening saying that I was tired from the bus journey and did not want to stir out.


Both Krishna and I reached the hostel gate and luckily for us, we passed no one on the way. Anyway, no one in the campus had seen me clean shaven, much less dressed and made up to look like a girl, so the chances of recognition were very remote - after all, I was the only one from my school to get admission in this Engineering College.


We entered the Common room and asked one of the girls who was there to have Vidhya summoned. She obliged and soon Vidhya was sitting with us and chattering nineteen to the dozen with Krishna. After I was formally introduced to Vidhya as Rajeshwari “Raji for short”, Krishna explained to Vidhya the purpose of our coming there.


Vidhya, for the record, said that she would be happy to allow Raji to spend the night in her room but she needed to take the warden’s permission for it. The problem was that the warden was expected in a few minutes. “I am sure the warden will give permission – I have seen so many girls bring their friends over during the weekend and for me this is the first time that I am bringing over a friend.” So saying Vidhya winked at me!


Krishna said that she was getting late so she would leave me with Vidhya. Vidhya suggested I could go to her room right away and wait there. So we walked through the corridor of the hostel to Vidhya’s room.


We passed a few girls on the way who smiled sweetly at both of us. We did not however pass Sarala. When we reached Vidhya’s room, she unlocked it and we entered it.


Vidhya’s room was neater than mine and I said so to her. “That’s because you were coming – I would not like you to see all my bras and panties and the rest of my clothes lying about here!” she said.


I could not resist it but I pulled Vidhya closer to me and kissed her on the lips – my first ever kiss! Vidhya was surprised, but returned the kiss after resisting just a wee bit! I had to be careful not to smudge my lipstick.


Vidhya told me, “You look beautiful and very, very feminine!” I thanked her.


Vidhya now told me to lie down on the spare bed and act as if I was asleep. If the warden came then I could continue to “sleep” as I was “tired from a long bus journey.” I did as I was told. This was the first time I was lying down in women’s clothes. I had to be careful about my pallu covering my breasts constantly. I turned my face to the wall and closed my eyes.


Soon I felt the bed shaking and discovered that Vidhya had climbed into the bed with me. The bed was really meant for one person so Vidhya had to lie down in close contact with me. I felt her breasts on my back. That and the women’s clothes gave me a huge hard on. I guided her hand inside my clothes and between my legs. Vidhya was surprised at the size of my penis.


“Is it normally so big?” she asked me.


I told her I did not know about others but mine was so big. Actually, I don’t have such a big penis even when excited but I guess since it was a first time for Vidhya, she thought I was bigger than normal.


I told her that she had to be careful, because the lump of my penis could be visible through my saree. I was also wearing panties instead of briefs which offer no compression for excited penises, the restrictive presence of a loin cloth notwithstanding!


After necking for a few minutes, Vidhya said she would go and check to see if the warden had returned. I turned my face to the wall and closed my eyes. A number of girls peeped into the room and left when they found Vidhya was not in. I could sense them looking at my back but since I seemed to be fast asleep, they did not disturb me.


Vidhya returned after what seemed like a long time and told me that it was all fixed up. The warden had agreed to let Raji spend the night in Vidhya’s room. I told Vidhya that I was genuinely feeling too tired for any dinner and that I wanted to change and retire for the night. She agreed and I opened my bag.


Vidhya noticed the Sanitary napkins wrapped in the newspaper and asked me, “Whatever do you want that for?”


I told her it was Krishna’s idea to make me appear even more feminine because she said that women always had a few spares with them all the time.


Vidhya said, “Very smart!” and smiled at me.


I took off my saree and my blouse and slipped the nighty over my head, careful not to disturb my false hair. Then I pulled up my nighty to the waist and undid the knot of the saree petticoat and loosened it. The petticoat fell at my feet. I stepped out of the heap of clothes at my feet, reached for the half-slip in my bag. Once again I pulled up my nighty and stepped into the skirt slip, adjusted the elastic band on my waist and then pulled down my nighty.


Then I sat down to fold my clothes, first the saree which was a chiffon, then my blouse and then my saree petticoat. Vidhya made a few corrections in the way I folded my blouse which is a very complicated garment to fold.


I wanted to go to the toilet to brush my teeth before going to bed. I asked for directions and found the toilet which was a few doors down the corridor.


There was one other girl in the toilets. She was wearing just a white bra and brown panties and was shaving her legs. I noticed she had a terrific figure. My entering the toilet did not disturb her much, except that I was an unfamiliar face. She asked me who I was and I explained that I was Vidhya’s friend, Raji and that I was spending the night in her room. She introduced herself as Sarala. With great difficulty I managed not to react visibly!


Remembering to sit down while peeing, I finished my use of the toilet and returned to Vidhya’s room. Vidhya returned from her dinner in a few minutes.


I asked her about Sarala’s apparent shameless cavorting in the common places in just her underwear. Vidhya explained that Sarala has been like that ever since she came to stay in the hostel in the first year. “She is a bit of an exhibitionist,” Vidhya explained.


“Is that why you are not too fond of her?” I asked Vidhya, who nodded.


“I am going to try and sleep now” I told Vidhya. “Give me a goodnight kiss!”


Vidhya came into my arms and we kissed each other eagerly on the lips. I asked Vidhya if she wanted to go any further. She said “No.” I said, “let me at least explore you with my fingers.”


At first she said no, but when I continued to kiss her and found she was responding to my kisses, she agreed only to fingers….


… Well, to cut a long story short, I managed to have Vidhya climax once – her first time she blushingly admitted - during that session by just using my fingers. She loved it very much but blushed when I asked her about it repeatedly.


Around two in the night when the entire hostel was asleep, we put our plan into action. I first switched on our light. Vidhya then fetched a glass of water and poured it on the mattress on which I was previously sleeping.


Vidhya then sought out Sarala’s room and knocked on it. Dressed in a nighty Sarala opened the door. Vidhya explained that when I groggily tried to pour water into a glass to drink, I spilled it on the mattress, so could I sleep over in Sarala’s room. Sarala had no problem about that, except that I would need to clear her clothes off the spare mattress in her room. I said I did not mind and thanked her for it.


I went back to Vidhya’s room and returned with a pillow and a coverlet for myself. By the time I returned to Sarala’s room, she was already fast asleep in her bed. I noticed that Sarala had taken off her nighty and was once again dressed only in her bra and panties. Placing the pillow and coverlet on one side of the bed, I carefully moved all of Sarala’s clothes to the chair and lied down. I opened her cupboard to see if I could keep her clothes inside. I noticed that the contents of the cupboard were just tossed higgledy-piggledy and there did not seem to be any attempt to classify her clothes in any particular way. Getting a hold of one of Sarala’s Salwar Khamez set was going to be very easy – she would not miss it at all.


After I had cleared Sarala’s bed, I lay down on it and covered myself. I could not but help stare at the pattern of the bra strap on Sarala’s back. I noticed that she had a small mole on the left cheek of her buttock.


As I was feeling tired, I fell asleep soon enough. I am in the habit of waking up with the light and I woke up similarly this morning too. Being a Saturday, the hostel was quiet. Everyone seemed to want to sleep till mid morning.


Without making a sound, I sat up, and folded the coverlet. Taking care to leave it partially open so that, I could conceal the one set of Sarala’s clothes in it, I tiptoed to the cupboard, opened it and picked out a set which I had seen Sarala wear in the second year. I noticed that it was stained brown at the crotch. Taking care not to touch that part, I folded it into a bundle and placed it on my coverlet. I rolled the coverlet in such a way that no part of the Salwar Khameez was visible outside and opened the door of Sarala’s room. Finding that no one was in the corridor, I tiptoed back to Vidhya’s room.


Vidhya was already awake and dressed. The first thing she asked was “Did you get it?” I nodded.


Quickly I took off my nighty, slip, panties and bra. Opening my bag, I located the second set of bra and panties and quickly wore them. On went my other saree petticoat and blouse and then finally the saree. I fixed my makeup quickly and adjusted my wig. Putting all of my other clothes into the bag, Vidhya and I quickly walked to the main doors of the hostel where our taxi, as instructed, was waiting. Both of us got into the car and had the driver drive us back to the hotel which I had left the previous day.


Without incident, we reached our room. I quickly removed my saree, blouse, petticoat, bra and panties. Vidhya helped me out of my wig. Tying a Bath towel round my middle, I went into the bathroom. I cleaned my face of all the makeup and had a cold shower which woke me up fully. I realized I was still having a hard-on from the Raji disguise.


I stroked myself and soon I was feeling a tingling down my spine. I did not know what was happening. A little scared, I called out to Vidhya who I asked to come into the bathroom. One look at me and she knew what was happening.


“It’s time for me to return last night’s favour” she said. I did not know what she wanted to do. But soon she was stroking me, pulling my foreskin back and front. Within no time I climaxed – my first time.


I joined Vidhya in the hotel room after completing my bath. She teased me a lot about my climaxing. I teased her back about the previous night when my fingers had worked their magic.


It turned out that Vidhya got turned on by men dressed up as women. And the sight of me dressed up as Raji, turned on Vidhya so much that she could not resist climbing into bed with me. I told Vidhya that wearing women’s clothes turned me on, so after marriage, we could have great sex life with me en-femme. She agreed too.


The Monday after that I was subjected to a lot of teasing and ribbing when I returned to classes with a clean shaven look instead of my bearded face. Since classes were ending that same week for the final year’s exams, I did not have to face the teasing for too long!


At the end of the week on the last day, I told Raja that I had fulfilled my bet and that I would give him Sarala’s Salwar Khameez to him on the last day. He was curious to know how I had managed it. I refused to tell him anything.


As agreed, on the last day, I gave Raja the Salwar Khameez set which belonged to Sarala. Raja had seen Sarala wear those clothes in our second year so he could not controvert that the clothes did not belong to Sarala. The same day, our campus was treated to the sight of Raja wearing just his briefs and vest running around the campus.


Chapter 8

Table of Contents

Chapter 6 - Engineering College

Chapter 6


Engineering College


After I completed my schooling, I gained admission into a very prestigious engineering college at a place called Suratkal a few kilometers from Mangalore. In those days, Engineering was almost an exclusive preserve of boys. There were very few girls in Engineering College. Further, competition to get admission into Engineering College was very tough. So when I got admission into an Engineering College, I was the only one from my High School to have done so.


It was very strange to be transported suddenly from one’s protected home to a hostel. From being waited hand and foot all day, I was suddenly required to discipline myself. I had to wash, dry, fold and press my own clothes, keep my room clean and so on.


Engineering College was also where I met my wife to be - Vidhya. She was in the same class as mine. At first, we were not too friendly with each other. It partly stemmed from the fact that both of us were always in competition with each other for securing the first position in class. But soon, we found ourselves together on class assignments and I found Vidhya to be a very intelligent, mature for her age and generally a nice girl.


Academic pressures had already caught up with me when I was preparing for the qualifying examinations before admissions. I realized I could have a little more time everyday if I were to grow my beard. Even after the examinations and into the first year of Engineering, I kept my beard on. (My sister Krishna thought I looked very handsome, but then Krishna likes men with beards!)


One of our assignments required Vidhya and I to conduct a Civil Engineering Survey of a part of our campus. We were given the choice of which part of the campus we wanted to survey. The part we agreed to, was a somewhat secluded part of the campus. It would require us some three days to complete the survey.


But at the end of it, Vidhya and I had grown really close to each other. Very soon, we were talking to each other on all sorts of subjects under the sun. It was not too long that we realized that we were madly in love with each other.


We also found that we were physically drawn to each other too. But hostels in Suratkal were segregated by sexes, so we could not live together in the same hostel. We had to work out a stratagem to work around this restriction.


At the same time, we wanted that we would not do anything that would make our families ashamed of us. I was of the opinion that we should make to each other a long term commitment. That meant being engaged to be married.


Both Vidhya and I belonged to highly conservative families. They would not brook any elopement. Further, as the only son of my parents, it was going to be my responsibility to run the family business. So the only way out for me was to involve our families in our romance.


Vidhya was terrified of her father’s anger. But at the same time, she knew that her father would approve a marriage to me because my family was so highly respected in Mangalore. The way out seemed to be for me to have my family formally approach her parents for her hand in marriage to me.


I decided that I would use Krishna’s services for the purpose. As is always the case, Krishna and Amma were very close to each other and trusted each other implicitly.


One day, I asked Krishna to come over to Suratkal so that we could travel together in the family car back to Mangalore for the weekend. It was one of the very few weekends which I spent away from Vidhya. In the car, I told Krishna that I wanted to tell her something. Krishna told me to wait until we stopped at a roadside eatery where we could be afforded privacy from our driver.


So at a small restaurant which typically dot the National Highway north of Mangalore, we stopped for some snacks. During that break, I told Krishna all about Vidhya. Krishna liked what I told her and she said she would help me. There was however one condition which she put before she could help me. Krishna wanted to meet Vidhya first. Perhaps she wanted to assess Vidhya as my future wife. I agreed to this.


So the next weekend, Krishna was once again in Suratkal, but this time she reached there on a Saturday morning instead of a Friday evening. The plan was to have Krishna spend the entire day with Vidhya. Vidhya was also briefed about Krishna’s mission and was agreeable to that.


So that Saturday, Krishna spent the whole day with Vidhya. They went off on a picnic together to Jog Falls. They spent some time on the beach nearby. In other words, Krishna just seemed to want to get to know Vidhya well. At the end of the day, when it was time to go back to Mangalore, Krishna said nothing but just winked at me.


I was worried. Silence from Krishna meant that Vidhya’s “assessment” could go either way. When I met Vidhya the next day, she was equally unforthcoming. All questions were answered by her with a “Uh! Huh!” or a “I don’t know!”.


Things were certainly not going the way I wanted them to. And during classes also, I was quite short tempered and foul mouthed! On Thursday of that week, Krishna called long distance from Mangalore. She said that Amma wanted to talk to me person to person. When I asked for details, Krishna told me that she had no details – just that Amma wanted to talk to me. I asked Krishna if she had told Amma about the trip the previous weekend. Krishna replied that she had and said somewhat mysteriously that Amma wanted to talk to me in connection with that.


So the next day, when our car arrived, I was on all pins and needles as I climbed into the car. Alone in my thoughts, I must have imagined all kinds of things a hundred times and more! Finally, I said to myself that whatever happened, happened for the best and it was best to let things happen – at least in this case! Nothing was going to change by worrying!


I reached our home late on Friday night and there was no time to talk to Amma. The next morning, Appa had an early breakfast and Krishna, Amma and I were left to ourselves at the dining table. Amma told me that Krishna had spoken to her about Vidhya and wanted to hear a few more things from me.


I told Amma that since Krishna had spent nearly a day with Vidhya, Krishna knew everything that had to be known about Vidhya. Krishna could brief Amma about Vidhya. “And she did” completed Amma. But there are certain things that I want to know about Vidhya from you.


I said, “OK, please ask me questions and I will answer as best as I can truthfully!”.


All of us – Krishna, Amma and I - moved to Amma’s room and for the next two hours Amma quizzed me on a host of topics about Vidhya. There were times when I could not answer a question or two and I said so. All questions for which I knew the answers, I answered as completely as possible.


At the end of it, Amma said, “I think I am convinced that you are genuinely fond of the girl. Krishna was also fulsome in her praise for Vidhya. Would you like me to talk to Appa about it?”


I said, “Amma, I know I have done nothing wrong. I am fond of a truly nice girl. I would like that I do nothing that would bring shame to either of our families. But I am still worried about what Appa will think!”


“You don’t worry about that,” Amma assured me. “When each of you children were born, your Appa and I had decided that in respect of alliances for your marriage, I had to first approve of the matches and then Appa would inspect. Although Appa would have veto powers, he would mostly go with what I decided because he trusted my instincts. So you don’t have to worry. But before I meet Vidhya myself, I would like to keep Appa informed. I have a plan of action in my mind and I will be talking this over with Appa.”


“Amma, I want to assure you one thing. I want to complete my engineering degree before I marry. I would also like Vidhya to complete her education before marriage. Further, I would not like to do anything that would bring shame on Vidhya or me or on either of our families.”


Amma was very happy with what she heard. Later, Krishna and I were talking about the previous Saturday’s picnic with Vidhya.


Krishna told me that she had told Vidhya about my stage roles and how feminine I looked in a saree! Vidhya wanted to see some pictures of me in a saree and made up. I begged Krishna not to show these pictures to Vidhya because if they were to become public knowledge in Suratkal, it would be highly embarrassing! Krishna promised.


I returned to Suratkal the next evening in our car.


Chapter 7

Table of Contents

Chapter 5 - Shaila

Chapter 5

Shaila
My school started once again after our summer vacation. I was now in the eighth standard. That called for a lot of hard work at my studies. Very soon I was engrossed in them and forgot all about my efforts to get on to the stage.. until it was another Annual Day.


This time, our teacher wanted to perform a final act of a Marathi play. The play revolves around a young woman who is widowed a few days after her marriage. The entire play had three female characters. But the final act had just two – a vamp and the heroine.


There is a basic difference between the role of Shakuntala in the previous year and the role of Shaila this year. Shakuntala was a mythological person and no one would have seen her in flesh and blood. Shaila was so close to reality that I could be anyone sister.


Once again I needed Krishna’s help. I told Krishna about the background of the role I was playing. She had seen the entire play elsewhere so she was familiar with the character.


We brought out the old clothes from the previous year. When I tried to wear them, I found I had outgrown them. Once again the tape measure was brought out and I was measured. It turned out that I needed a bra of size 34 now. My arms were thicker too so the blouse would not have fit me. Also, I was sprouting small hair on my face as well as on my body. Krishna assured me that she would see to it that all hair on my body would be removed before the actual performance.


There was nothing new to be learned in respect of my playing a female character on stage. I simply needed to brush up on my mannerisms.


There were two things that I needed to practice really hard – one was tying up my hair in a knot, while not indecently exposing myself and two was pulling my pallu under my long hair with my right hand and onto my right shoulder so as to hide my blouse underneath.


The play revolves around the life of a woman – Shaila - who within a few days after her marriage, hears about the death of her husband – Vijay - in a bus accident. Shaila’s sister-in-law –Sandhya - who is not too fond of the new bride, now subjects Shaila to all sorts of torment. It so turns out that Vijay is not dead after all. He survives the accident but loses his memory. Consequently, he is roaming around from place to place searching for persons who could help him remember his past. During his travels, he returns to his own house, not knowing that in that house, his wife lives a widowed life.


The first act shows the love and affection between Vijay and Shaila. The first act ends with the news of Vijay’s death being told to Shaila. The second act shows the actions of the evil sister-in-law Sandhya. The act ends with Vijay’s return and the discovery of his suffering from Amnesia. The third act shows how Shaila helps Vijay regain his memory. It also exposes Sandhya for what she is.


We were to do the final scenes of the third act, where Vijay has just recoverd his memory but this fact is not known to anyone except Shaila.


The scene required Shaila to be first dressed as a widow – in all white. During the scene, Vijay asks her to go inside and wear something more colourful as he cannot bear to bring himself to see his own wife in a widow’s clothes. So she goes inside and comes dressed in a Kanjeevaram saree which Vijay had given to her at their wedding.


The scene itself was about 30 minutes but it required at least one change of clothes during the scene. I had to really get my saree wearing skills polished up.


I explained all this to Krishna on the first day. Krishna started off by making an inventory of all the clothes and other accessories I needed for the play.


For the scenes where I was a widow, I had to wear everything white – saree, blouse, bra and saree petticoat. There was to be no jewellery and practically no make up except extremely subtle colouring on my face.


In a space of just some two minutes – the dialogues were not going to run for too long. I had to get my lips redder, a bindi on my forehead, wear bangles while changing my blouse and saree.


We first decided that we would not have a very large white blouse for the widow’s scenes. The advantage would be that as a young widow, I would look somewhat sexy and vulnerable. This could easily explain the antagonism on the sister-in-law Sandhya’s part. The other advantage would be that I could wear the coloured blouse on top of the white blouse. That would save me a precious 30 seconds in a two minute slot.


The coloured saree would require significant amounts of colour on it to distinguish me from my preceding colourless outfit. We decided on a white saree but with very elaborate and brightly coloured pallu to signify colour. The advantage for such a colour would be to avoid change of a saree petticoat also.


I told Krishna that I depended on her to get my wardrobe ready. She was true to her word.


The next day, she had purchased a very delicate looking skimpy white bra of size 34C for me. I noticed that the bra was not made with cotton. I asked Krishna and she said, “Now bras of nylon are available. They are a little expensive but they are very comfortable.” She pointed to the hems of the bra which had elastic sewn into them. “This,” she said, “made the bra very comfortable to wear.” She also showed me the lower periphery of the cups which had something stiff. “This is the very latest,” she explained. “This sort of a bra is known as an underwired bra. It encloses the breast from below and tends to push up the breast to make it seem like the breast was bigger than it actually is. For women, it is important because Indian men like women to have larger breasts. But for you, I don’t know what benefit will be there. I just though I should give you the experience of wearing an underwired bra.”


I also noticed that there was no need to adjust the should straps as the straps had built in elastic in them. The underwire and the shoulder strap elastic had two major fallouts which I explained to Krishna. The first was that the bra tended to rise upwards. And if the bra was worn tightly, the underwiring tended to enclose all the loose flesh on my breasts and filled it in the cups. Krishna in fact teased me that if I were to wear a 34A instead of a 34C, I would not need any padding!


Krishna now measured me with the bra on. These measurements were needed for the tailor to stitch my two blouses. She also measured me for the two saree petticoats – the length and the waist. Since almost all of my clothes in this role were going to be white, Krishna said that she was going to purchase only white saree petticoats for me. Krishna noticed that I was sprouting hair on my chest and midriff. She told me that I would need to remove it using Anne French Hair remover which she had used during our preparation for the Shakuntala role the previous year.


Our preparations for that ended with that. The next day, I noticed that the tailor was also present. I was asked to remove my shirt and vest and I wore the bra. Once again we used handkerchiefs for the padding. The tailor had brought a white blouse for a Trial and wanted to see for himself how the blouse fitted. In the previous year, it was not important to have really perfect fit, because it was thought that I would not be so good at playing Shakuntala. Now that I had proved my ability to play female characters on stage, it was important to have a personal tailor for me who could stitch all my female clothes.


The tailor was already sworn to secrecy. Thanks to our family’s influence in the city, we could guarantee that the tailor would remain silent. The tailor helped me wear the blouse. At once, he noticed that it needed a little bit of adjustment. I removed the blouse and handed it to the tailor. Within a few minutes, he was done and the blouse was handed to me once again. This time it fit me like a second skin – which is exactly the way a blouse should fit a woman.


The blouse also was not so large sized. It barely covered the bra and the sleeves were also a little shorter than usual. The tailor explained that this was necessary because I was going to wear another blouse on top of it and he could not take any chances with this white blouse being visible under that blouse. I thought the blouse was stitched very sexily.


Here I must explain a few things with what else was happening with me. I was going through my adolescence and was starting to notice that girls around me were beginning to develop breasts. Having worn a bra and blouse during the Shakuntala role, I was perfectly aware of how girls’ breasts would appear when covered with a bra. Frequently, I found such thoughts to be sexually stimulating. Wearing a bra and a blouse today was also sexually stimulating and I was hard pressed to effectively hide my erection.


I decided that I was going to use a technique which I found was used by Rajamani the previous year when he was playing the role of Sita. He had worn a Mundu which is a white cloth which is worn by men in South India. If a coloured cloth is worn similarly, then the cloth is called a Lungi. Rajamani had worn a Mundu inside his saree petticoat. Before wearing the petticoat, he had folded the lower edge upwards and knotted it tightly. The tight knot was positioned in such a way that it lay on his penis. Since the last few months, I had taken to wearing a Mundu at home and had learnt the art of knotting it at half mast as it were. I had on a couple of occasions used this to hide an erection which may have occurred at unexpected times.


So the next day when Krishna brought the two inner saree petticoats and the outer full saree petticoat, she was surprised to see me declining to remove my Mundu. I explained to her that I felt more comfortable with the Mundu inside rather than a pair of shorts. Now Krishna is two years older to me and at 15 was turning out to be a very shapely young girl. She was getting her quota of male attention and knew about male sexual signals. She asked me straight off as to whether I was getting sexually excited by wearing women’s clothes. I was in a quandary as to whether I should admit this or not. Finally, I decided that since Krishna and I were so close, I could be frank with her. (As it turned out, it was to be of great help in later years at the time of my engagement.)


I told Krishna that wearing women’s clothes were indeed a little sexually exciting. She asked me why. I told her, “The fact that I am dressed like a girl and no one knows is a sort of a little secret. That is exciting. Also, since I could pass off for a woman, I could even be privy to all your womanly secrets. That is exciting too!”


Krishna was not convinced. But I told her that if I was interested in hiding these thoughts from her, I could easily have denied any such thoughts. But I felt that my best refuge was in speaking the truth. So, that was what it was. Then, she was convinced. She asked me if I liked girls. I admitted I did like girls. She asked me if boys with a great physique turned me on. I told her that such a thing did not occur and that I got turned on only by girls.


She then told me something which till date makes me bless the stars the day I was born as her brother. She told me, “Listen Radha. You are my little brother. I know you will be my little brother all the time. When you told me you like girls, it tells me that you are perfectly normal. I have read somewhere about men being sexually aroused by other men, but it seems that you are not like that. You told me that you are sexually aroused by girls and women – so you are like any other typical man. Your sexual arousal by wearing women’s clothes is just a fetish.”


“What’s a fetish?” I asked her.


“Let me explain. In this world, there are people who who are sexually aroused by various objects. Some like feet, some like ears and some like eyes. Your fetish seems to be women’s clothes,” she said.


“Just a minute, what do you like?” I asked her.


“Me?” Krishna asked me.


“Yes. Considering you seem to know so much about the subject, surely you have a fetish of some sort too – isn’t it?” I persisted.


“Will you promise not to tell anyone?” Krishna asked me.


“Well, if you promise not to tell anyone about my getting turned on by wearing women’s clothes, then I promise not to tell anyone about your fetish,” I replied.


“I like bearded men.” She told and immediately blushed furiously.


(I can understand that now, because Krishna is married to a man who sports a properly trimmed beard.)


“Hmmm.. Interesting.” I said.


After this conversation, Krishna and I grew really close. There were occasions when I would catch Krishna look at bearded men in an assessing sort of way and I would tease Krishna about it.


Well I did wear the Mundu inside the petticoats that day. The only change was that I had slightly larger hips. That did not matter because I was small hipped naturally like all men.


Krishna now had me practice wearing a saree without help. We even had a stop watch to time my efforts. The first time it took me some five minutes. That was no good. I had to reduce that to 90 seconds leaving me 30 seconds for wearing a blouse, bangles, lipstick and bindi.


I was also starting to like the shape I was getting. The 34C bra gave me a very feminine look. The nylon cups of the bra were also very nice to caress. I could not however over fill the cups because the handkerchiefs tended to fall from under the lower hem as they were elastic bands.



A few days later, the tailor brought my plain white blouse. During the rehearsals in the afternoon, I wore the blouse and a white saree. Krishna wanted me to practice pulling my pallu under my hair and over my right shoulder. I was wearing the wig and hairpiece which I had used the previous year for the Shakuntala role. Within a few attempts, I was easily able to pull my pallu without any problems without exposing my right breast while doing so. I really felt like a woman then!


A second typically feminine action which Krishna wanted me to practice was having my pallu over my hair like a demure woman. For that I first had to pull the pallu over my hair and then toss it over my hair. I found that it was difficult to do that with a stiff starched saree – like the plain white saree I was wearing in the widowed scenes – than with a silk saree which was more pliable and softer.


Another typically feminine action which Krishna wanted me to adopt was the wrapping of a saree corner around my left index finger. This is very typical of women who are under some sort of stress. Women tend to wrap the saree on their left index finger, then unwrap it, then re-wrap it and keep on wrapping and unwrapping it on their index finger. This was considerably easy.



There is a reason behind my going into so much detail about all these little incidents. As an accomplished actor who specialized in female roles on stage, I have been interviewed by the print media on many occasions.


One of the questions that is asked is how I developed so many of the highly feminine gestures. Given the time constraints of an interview, it is almost always impossible to give a complete and honest answer. I have normally said that I learnt it all in the Yakshagana Mandali. The truth of the matter is that although I learnt my first lessons in female impersonation in the Yakshagana Mandali, most of the credit for the realistic portrayal of female characters on stage should go to my sister Krishna. Radha would not have been female were it not for Krishna.


Yakshagana portrayal of female characters is highly exaggerated while stage demands a more closer to real life portrayal of female characters. Both have their reasons for such portrayals. Yakshagana is performed traditionally in fields. There are no microphones for amplified sound delivery. The light is mostly the flames of a torch. So to convey every small expression, it is necessary to exaggerate the makeup. The eyebrows are thick – no woman would be seen dead with such thick eyebrows. The lipstick is a bright red, the eyeliner is applied with thick coats – as explained by an Odissi dancer (Sonal Mansingh?) in a television interview, “In dance the facial make up is highly exaggerated because ‘this’ when performed on stage should appear ‘this’ when viewed even by the person sitting in the last row.”


On the other hand, stage plays are a lot closer to reality. When a character blushes, the blushes have to be realistic, not overdone. When a woman walks, she has to walk like a woman. The only way I could have picked up all the nuances of feminine mannerisms was being taught by a girl – and Krishna was a great tutor.


Chapter 6

Table of Contents

Chapter 4 - First time on Stage

Chapter 4

First time on Stage
Our car and the driver, Nagesh, were waiting near the main entrance of the house. The driver was Saroja’s fiancé. So he was probably in the know.

He did not smile or giggle or make any funny sounds when he saw me accompanied by Vijaya, Saroja and Krishna walk towards the car. If anything, he stared somewhat fascinatedly!

When we were all seated in the car – as the only man in the car besides the driver, I would have normally sat next to the driver, but in my present dolled up condition, I preferred to sit in the back seat flanked on either side by Krishna and Vijaya while Saroja sat in the front. The other reason was that the rear windows were darkened so I would not attract any attention if we were to get caught in a traffic jam.

During the journey, I noticed Nagesh staring at me through the rear view mirror. “What is it?” I asked him in Kannada in my Shakuntala voice. He audibly gasped, “Nothing, sir!” he said, “But what happened to your voice, sir? It is so woman-like.” “Oh nothing!” I replied in my normal voice “I was just practicing!”.

Nagesh then turned to Krishna and told, “Madam, Sir looks exactly like a lady. If I had not known that it was Sir, I would definitely have thought it was some new lady friend of yours!”

I liked that very much. It simply meant that at even such close contact, I could pass for a little girl.

Soon we reached the school auditorium. There was a fair sized crowd already assembled. Nagesh navigated the car through the crowd and stopped near the rear entrance which led directly to the rear of the stage and the green rooms. With Krishna on one side and Saroja and Vijaya on the other and Nagesh clearing the way for me, we quickly walked to one of the two green rooms and locked it from inside.

Each person who wanted come into the green room had to identify himself or herself before the door was unlocked. My teacher and the director of the play came in twice. She was very happy with my appearance. “I am sure I will be asked where I found this ‘heroine’ in a boys only school!” she said laughingly.

I called her aside and made two requests – one my name was to be announced as “Radha Baliga” and not as “Radhakrishna Baliga”. The second request was to warn all children that any teasing meted out to me in the subsequent days was to dealt with strictly with severe punishment. She agreed wholeheartedly to both those requests and said that the matter of the punishment came up for discussion between her and the school principal. The school principal had assured her that he would refer to this in his speech which was after the play.

It was approaching 4 pm and all of us were getting nervous as the play was about to begin. Krishna came to me and held both my hands and said, “Don’t worry! Everything will be all right! You have rehearsed well, you are very well made up and your dress is also perfect. What could go wrong?”

That was when I felt like crying, “I am scared what Appa will say!” I blurted out.

“Don’t worry! I talked to Amma about it last night and she has promised that you will not get into trouble with Appa because of this performance. Remember this – Amma knows about all the purchases we have made for you – bras, blouses, sarees, jewellery, everything! And she told me that she was willing to go along with you even after this if you give a good performance. Appa, if at all, will appreciate you because he is the patron of the temple Yakshagana Mandali also and he knows how difficult it is to get realistic looking male actors to perform in female roles. If he likes your performance, he might even recommend you to the Mandali for any young girl’s roles, but only if you are interested.”

Just then, my teacher knocked on the door and I was called to the right wing from where my first entry was. Just before I stepped out, Krishna called me in once again and told me something which I have always remembered. She said, “It is not enough to just be well made up and perform well on stage. Even as you approach the stage, walk like you would walking on stage – like a young girl as I have taught you. And until you are dressed like a girl, walk and behave like a girl. It makes others around you comfortable. And.. Best of Luck! You will be a perfect Shakuntala today”.

“Thank you!” I said as I stepped out of the room. I took my first few short steps towards the wings, when Vidyashankar who was playing Dushyant approached me and said, “Radha, if you were a real girl, I would have fallen in love with you! You look so beautiful!” “Thank you!” I said in my most Shakuntala like voice.

To which Vidyashankar said, “I knew you could do it, but now when I talk to you on stage, I will be talking to Shakuntala and not Radha playing a female role!”

I could not ask for a better compliment and positively blushed!

****
The play itself was a great success. And yes, the principal did make a mention of severe retribution in his speech.

I did see Appa in the first row of the audience. He did not in the least bit appear to be angry. In fact Amma and Appa were smiling encouragingly at me all through the play. After the play, Amma and Appa came backstage and to talk to me. Krishna and Saroja were also present. Appa was smiling and he said, “Radhakrishna, I am proud of you. You were brilliant on stage. Would you like to learn more about acting on stage? I have always allowed my children to learn whatever skill they wanted to learn. If you feel you want to learn acting, I can arrange to have you trained in your summer vacation in the Yakshagana Mandali.”

“Let me think about it” I told Appa. “I understand my son. Right now you must be completely tired out from your stage performance! We will now leave you to have some rest here,” so saying Appa turned.

“Appa,” I called. “Yes” he turned.

“Appa, I want you to know that were it not for Krishna, Saroja and Vijaya here nothing would have been possible.” I said.

“I know my son. I was kept informed of everything that you all were upto. Your Amma kept me in the know all through. I was worried only of one thing – that you should not become the laughing stock of your school. You know it is difficult to get rid of any such image once you acquire it!” He said.

He turned now to Krishna and said, “Krishna, you and Saroja and Vijaya have worked hard at this thing. I know that the principal is going to call Radhakrishna on stage to give him a special prize.” Turning to me he said, “Radhakrishna, it is customary that when an actor gets a prize or an award of some sort, he acknowledges the efforts of all who have helped him give the performance. I want you to promise that you will call all of Krishna, Saroja and Vijaya on stage to share your success!”

“Of course I promise Appa!” I replied.

And yes, I was given a special prize that day for my role of Shakuntala. When my name was called out, I walked out as demurely as taught to me by Krishna and while accepting, I did request that I wanted to say something.

In my Shakuntala voice, I announced that all my success today could be attributed to the efforts of Krishna, Saroja and Vijaya without whose help, I would not have been able to carry this role off. And I said that I wanted them to share the limelight with me now and requested them over the microphone to come and join me. The applause which rose at the time was almost deafening!

****
The day after the play, I resumed my usual studies which were a lagging little. However by the time the year end exams came by, I had caught up and as usual I passed the exams at the top of my class.

Summer vacation had now started and I had a lot of time on my hands. I was wondering how I could fruitfully spend it when I remembered my father’s words on the Annual Day.

A thought crossed my mind that I could give being in a Yakshagana Mandali a try. So I raised the topic with my father the next day. He agreed with alacrity to my request and said he would talk to the Manager of the Mandali immediately.

A couple of days later, Appa called me to his room one evening and introduced me to Annaji Rao. Annaji was the Manager of the Yakshagana Mandali of the Temple of our Family Diety. As the chief patron of the Mandali, Appa had immense clout and influence in the Mandali.

“Radha, I know you performed the role of Shakuntala on stage in your school. I heard of a lot of praise for it from all who had witnessed the performance. Sir, has asked me to let you be in our Mandali to learn the finer nuances of female roles on the Yakshagana Stage. Are you really interested?” Annaji Rao asked me.

“Of course I am. I assure you, it will not be a waste of time for you.” I told Annaji.

“All right then, can you come to the rehearsals tonight. We are putting up a play a fortnight from now at Kumta at the Rathotsava there. The play is based on the Ramayana. You could be Sita’s sakhi. A sakhi you know is a lady who is always around the heroine. She is the heroine’s confidante, friend, comrade-in-arms in all the tricks the heroine uses in the play. There will be a page or so of dialogues to learn and practice. You have about 10 days. Will you be able to do it, my son?” Annaji asked.

“One page of dialogues will be easy to learn and remember. I should definitely be able to do it. But Appa, the play is to be presented in Kumta which is about 100 kms from here. How can I go there?” I asked Appa.

Appa said, “Don’t worry! As such the Mandali is traveling in a special van to Kumta. And I am sure there is space for Radhakrishna in it.” From the corner of my eye, I could see Annaji nodding his head vigorously.

That night at about 7, I went to a room at the rear of our Temple. There were a six other persons there. I was introduced to each of them. Shambhu was the hero playing Rama. Shankar was the co-hero playing Lakshman. Rajamani was playing Sita whose sakhi I was to play. The other persons were the Director, the Lead Singer and the Chenda (drum) player.

The Director welcomed me and introduced me to the others in the room. Each had heard about my role as Shakuntala and were fulsome in their praise for it. Rajamani was especially effusive – perhaps his experience helped him to appreciate my performance better.

We started off with a small prayer and as the youngest in the group, I touched the feet of each of the elders and sought their blessings. The rehearsal went on till about 9 pm after which we all dispersed. Rajamani sought me out and asked me if I had some time to spare.

He invited me to his home which was on the way back to our home. In his home, were his wife and two children, a five year old and an eighteen month old. After the introductions and a cup of milk (I was still too young to be offered coffee), we retired to his room. Rajamani wanted me to look at his collection of clothes so that I could buy those what I needed in addition.

He pulled out a big trunk from under the bed and opened it. On top were some 15 wigs and hair pieces. Rajamani had been a Stree vesha (female character) actor all his life and had played all kinds of roles. He was also a stree vesha actor in non-Yakshagana theatre.

One by one, he pulled out a set of clothes that I would need for the sakhi’s role. It so turned out that I had all what I needed. The only things that were missing and I needed were the jewellery.

I chose what I wanted and set them aside. Next Rajamani taught me my first steps in Yakshagana dance. The dance by the female characters is completely different from that of the male characters. It is supposed to be sensual in nature. Having observed Yakshagana plays from a very young age, I could easily replicate the steps. But somehow, I was not feeling very comfortable with the entire concept of Yakshagana plays. I thought that the plays were far removed from reality especially because of the elaborate make up that was required by each of the characters.

I expressed my reservations to Rajamani and he concurred too. He admitted that the prime outlet for his creative urges were the non-Yakshagana theatre. I requested him to allow me to participate in such theatrical activities. He agreed to help me out.

The performance at Kumta was a complete change from that in my school earlier that year. As the son of the patron of the Mandali, I was accorded privileged status and did not have to do many of the chores which other freshly inducted actors would have done.

We returned from Kumta the day after the performance and the Mandali was already preparing to leave for Manjeshwar for a second performance of the same play four days later.

After my return, I met my father and expressed to him my reservations about being in the Yakshagana theatre. I suggested that I could be a female role actor in the non-Yakshagana Mandali of which too, my father was a patron. Appa was reluctant to allow me to become an actor. So he said, “Let us see. Not this vacation. Maybe next year”.

So that year, I stayed at home and learnt music instead.

Chapter 5

Table of Contents

Chapter 3 - Preparing for Stage

Chapter 3
Preparing for Stage
The rehearsals continued on schedule and I was happy with the progress I was making in my role as Shakuntala. I must clarify one thing though.

Although, I am a female impersonator by profession, I am not gay. I have always loved being male and loved only women. I am also not transgendered. I just play female roles on stage. At home and everywhere else, I am completely male.

A week or so before the play, during the daily rehearsals for achieving a feminine appearance, Krishna asked me to sit on my shorts while she examined my body very closely.

“What are you looking for?” I asked her. “Hair” she said. She wanted to make sure that I was not hairy in any way. Luckily I was not, so it was ok.

“But,” she said, “Remember this – a woman does not display any hair anywhere on her body except on her head. I was just making doubly sure that you were completely hairless”.

By now, the entire play had been practiced nearly a hundred times in school and I knew the dialogues by heart.

Krishna wanted to get some voice training done to me. Although, Krishna had not been on stage, she was intelligent and imaginative enough to be able to judge what would make me look and sound convincingly female.

She first asked me to recite a few of my lines of dialogue. A few minor corrections to my intonation, stress points and the note on which I spoke brought a complete change to my style of dialogue delivery. My teacher noticed this immediately the next day and complimented me for it.

Krishna also wanted to know how many scenes were there in the play. There were essentially three scenes – one where Shakuntala met Dushyant, the second marriage scene and the third where Dushyant and Shakuntala are seated on their throne.

That meant that I needed three sets of clothes – one that of an unmarried lass, one a bridal ensemble and one a regular saree blouse set. Krishna did not want me to change too many blouses during the play. She suggested that I should go for a black blouse which I could wear for the first unmarried lass scene and then the purple coloured blouse in the bridal scene and a turquoise green blouse in the throne scene. The advantage she explained was that if I wore a black bra that day, it would be invisible under all the three blouses. A white bra would have been visible under the black blouse in the lass scene.

So, the next day, Krishna arranged for a black bra of my size. When I reminded her about the other two blouses, she said, “Don’t worry! All that is being taken care of!”

Two days before the play we were to start a complete dress rehearsal. I had to be in full costume for the rehearsal. Vijaya was also asked to be at hand to attach my hair, although I would not have full makeup. I would however have some basic makeup like bindi and lipstick. Vijaya was concerned from one other point of view – time.

The first makeup session had taken nearly 30 minutes to put on. She wanted to make sure that the change from the lass make up to bridal make up was significant without requiring much time – after all it had to be done during the play itself.

The dress rehearsals went well except for one or two mistakes I was persistently making. Frequently my pallu would leave my breasts exposed in a very un-lady-like fashion. Krishna noticed that and told me to take greater care about. I did not know how I would remember.

After we returned home, Krishna had me change into my costume again. I had worn a saree so many times, that I could wear it all by myself now. When I adjusted the pallu to cover my breasts, Krishna told me one secret which women employ to know if they are indecently exposed – the use of air currents.

When a midriff is exposed, then any breeze that may be present is felt on your skin there all the time. She said, “If you feel the breeze anywhere on your body, then you know that you are exposed there. So if your pallu is improperly positioned, then you would immediately know that you are exposed. Use that to your advantage”.

One other thing she taught me that day – something which I was going to use many years later when I played a coquettish character on stage. She took a necklace and put it round my neck. Also before pinning the pallu to my blouse on my shoulder, she tugged the middle part of the paalu ever so slightly so that the middle portion which passed directly between my breasts was tighter there than that part near the edges which passed over my nipples. As a result my breasts were more prominently defined. She said, “If you are a very modest or shy girl, then you will not do this. You don’t want every man to stare at your breasts like he’s never seen it before!”

On the day of the play, I woke up very early. I could not really sleep well that night. As soon as I had finished my bath, prayers and breakfast, I joined Krishna in her room. She had already readied a small suitcase in which she was placing all the clothes I would need for the play.

Right at the bottom went the Saree, matching petticoat and blouse for the throne scene. Then the clothes for the bridal scene. Then all the jewellery and then the clothes for the lass scene. Finally on top of everything went the black bra, the wig, hair piece and a hair dryer. (Krishna had paid a princely sum of three hundred rupees to Vijaya to purchase the wig and hair piece for me.) The make up articles were to be brought by Vijaya.

The play was scheduled to start at 4pm. We were to meet in our home at about 1 pm to start my elaborate make up. I was to be fully dressed for the first scene from home itself. For the other scenes, I would change in the green room. As such there was much excitement in the school because word had spread about my extensive preparation for the play.

At about 11 am, Krishna called me to her room. She had me strip to my shorts and once again she looked my back and chest closely. She looked especially above and below my navel for any hair. I had a few hair slowly starting to grow above and below my navel. She went to her cupboard which had a number of cosmetics and pulled out a small cardboard carton from which she pulled out a pink bottle which had a lotion of some kind. With a spatula which she had stored in the carton of that cosmetic, she applied it on my skin around me navel where the hair was most grown.

“What’s that?” I asked her. “Hair remover” she said. “What does it do?” I asked. “Removes hair, stupid!” she said.

“How does it do that?” I asked. “Just watch”, she said somewhat mysteriously.

After a few minutes of silence, she went once again to her cupboard and returned with a few pieces of cotton. Using the cotton, she wiped the cream clean from my skin. To my utter surprise, I found all the hair had come off with the cream! I asked to look at the bottle. It was my first introduction to “Anne French” – a well known brand of hair removing cream in India.

Now my tummy looked just like a girl’s. Next Krishna pulled out a few bottles of nail polish. Holding them close to my hand, she chose one of the bottles and kept the remaining back in her cupboard. As per instructions given three weeks earlier, I had let my nails grow. She took a nail file and shaped them to a beautiful almond shape. Finally she applied three coats of nail polish on it – each subsequent coat only after the preceding had completely dried. It took us nearly one and a half hours before all this was completed. Krishna suggested that I should have my lunch in her room itself – it would look odd if I were to walk out with my nails painted. I opted for a light snack instead of lunch – just a few idlis and sambar. The advantage of eating idlis was that I could eat with a spoon and not have to use my fingers to eat.

Krishna insisted that I had another bath before the make up started. So I decided to shower in Krishna’s bathroom. I noticed that Krishna had left her clothes out to wash. Curiosity got the better of me and I picked up Krishna’s bra and examined it closely. I could not make head or tail of what was written on the label – something like “Maidenform Princess 32C” and so on. I was tempted to try it on just to see how I looked with a real girl’s bra on me. I picked up my vest and briefs and rolled them into a two balls and stuffed them into Krishna’s bra which I was now wearing. I realized that my chest looked significantly bigger than the bra which I was wearing during all the walk rehearsals. The bra otherwise fit me perfectly. The only difference seemed to be 32C instead of 32B. It was my first introduction to the Cup size of bras.

Realising I was losing time, I quickly showered and wiped myself dry and was about to unlatch the door, when I realized that my vest and briefs were still balled up. Oops! Almost! I shook them loose, tossed them on Krishna’s pile of clothes and walked out.

I was already wearing my briefs and had my bath towel tied around my middle. Krishna handed me the two short saree petticoats which I wore one on top of the other. Krishna told me “Tie the petticoats as tight as you can – you don’t want any accidents on stage do you!” and she giggled! I smiled too!

Then she gave me a dark blue coloured Saree petticoat which I wore on top. On top of this, I wore a printed petticoat which was of a style that most unmarried girls wear in South Indian states. The blouse is covered with a semi-transparent piece of cloth of about one and a half metres, which ends on the left side of the wearers back. I was going to wear a similar dress in the unmarried lass scenes.

As I was putting on these garments, Saroja and Vijaya had joined us. Saroja and Krishna now helped me wear the new black bra. The shoulder straps needed adjustments on this one as it was the first time I was wearing it. I, however, noticed one difference in this bra. The bra was already padded.

Vijaya noticed it too and said, “Good work, Krishna, that you bought a padded bra – gives a better shape to the bosom and you need less filling up”. And indeed, Saroja needed only one handkerchief on each side instead of two which she used with the white bra. I also noticed that my breasts looked significantly larger than before. I asked Krishna as to whether the black bra was the same size as the white one. She said, “Yes and no”. “What do you mean?” I asked her. She said, “A bra has two sizes – one the bra size and one the cup size. A bra size is dependent on your measurements below the breast. The cup size is dependent on the difference between the measurement on the breast and measurements below the breast.” I did not understand.

“Let me show – but wear the bra first and pad it up”. Once I was done, she had Saroja bring the tape measure and with it she measured me below my breast. It was 28 inches. Now she measured me on the bra where I was most padded up. It was 33 inches. She said, “Add 4 or 5 to the first measurement to get an even number. 28 plus 4 is 32 which is even – that is your bra size. The difference between your breast measurement which is 33 and your chest measurement which is 28 is 5. For a difference of 3 inches, we use a ‘A’ Cup. For 4 inches, a ‘B’ Cup. And for 5 inches a ‘C’ cup. In your case, I had to decide how big breasted I wanted to make you. I chose C because on stage, most women like to show themselves better endowed than they really are. So is it in your case too.”

So saying, she handed me a new black blouse which I wore all by myself – I had got so much practice by then! Saroja reached on my shoulder and pulled out a strap on the blouse. Deftly, she passed the strap under the bra strap and attached it to a press button which was stitched on it. She did the same on the other shoulder. Krishna explained that such an arrangement kept the bra strap on the shoulder safely and invisibly under the blouse instead of it peeping out on my shoulder.

I also found that my blouse fitted me perfectly. I spent a few moments caressing my chest from side to side – Krishna noticed and said, “Yes, I am sure it feels nice”. Krishna called me closer to her and tweaked my chest once and made a face and said,"The shape is right, but the feel is hard! Anyway, what do you care!". I blushed!

Now once again it was time to lie down on the bed. This time, the make up was to be more elaborate. Vijaya started by cutting some of the straggly hairs from my eyebrows to the proper size. Vijaya had already been instructed that no make up or alteration which had long term effects could be done. That effectively excluded removing hair from my eyebrows to achieve a good shape. But my eyebrows could be skillfully cut to get a good shape while retaining an essentially male appearance.

Vijaya first cleaned my face with a liquid which Krishna explained was a skin cleanser. All oiliness disappeared immediately. Next Vijaya poured a few drops of a skin coloured creamy liquid on to a sponge and spread it evenly on my face. The effect was of this was to cool my face suddenly. All this while, I was lying down with my eyes closed. I did not know then but I dozed off and had a good nap of some 15 minutes. By the time I woke up, Vijaya had completed the eyelid and cheek makeup. I was also smelling differently – the result of all the cosmetics on my face. Vijaya had also applied something on my neck and below till the edge of the blouse – I could feel their cooling effect.

Now she applied an eyeliner to shape my eyes. She also pulled out her mascara bottle and applied copious amounts of mascara on my eyelashes. It was now time for my hair. (Vijaya normally applies lipstick and the bindi at the very end to prevent smudging.).


I sat up on a stool. Vijaya first combed my hair back and sprayed a little hair spray on it. She held the comb in place until the hair spray dried. To be doubly sure, she had Krishna using the Hair dryer on my sprayed hair to dry it really dry. The hair stuck to me scalp like a second skin.

Next she tied the black strip of cloth just above my forehead and knotted it tightly on my nape. She took out the wig from my suitcase and brushed the hair neatly. She shook it once or twice to check whether the hair fell in natural curls or not. When they did, she place the wig first on my head. With my own real hair firmly pasted to my scalp with the hair spray, it was easier for Vijaya to insert the clip on the wig under the black strip. Holding it in place with her left hand, she combed the wig while it stayed attached to my head. The image was one of a mother combing her daughter’s hair. After Vijaya was satisfied that my hair was perfect combed on my scalp, she inserted a number of bob-pins in to set it properly. But then it was a short haired wig. So she took the second hairpiece which she skillfully attached to the base of the wig. With a comb and brush, she blended the hair from the wig into the hair of the hair-piece so that the whole arrangement looked like my head had long hair growing from it. She later proceeded to braid the hair into a long plait. As she reached the bottom end, she picked up an ornament known as a paraandaa which is commonly used in North India.

A paraandaa is composed of three strings which of the same thickness as drawstrings. These strings are however black in colour and are tied to one another at one end. At the other end of each string, there is small cloth ball. The cloth ball is not solid. Instead it has a solid core of knotted threads with threads radiating to the outer periphery somewhat loosely. The whole effect is to give a very soft feel to the balls. In addition, the entire paraandaa arrangement gives a little weight to the loose end of the braid. The result is that the braid swings more when the hips are moved from side to side. Indian men find this very sexy.

Once the paraandaa was attached to my hair, Krishna produced a couple of Gajras which are flowers which are strung on threads. Using two bob-pins, she attached them to my hair. It was now time to wear my half-saree. A half-saree usually worn by unmarried girls, is infinitely easier to wear than a full saree. Within half a minute I had worn the saree and Saroja was pinning the pallu on my shoulder. Saroja also arranged the pallu with pleats on my shoulder.

Now Krishna helped me wear bangles, a necklace and clip on earrings. She also gave me a pair of silver anklets to wear. My toenails were already painted so my feet looked quite dainty.

By this time it was nearly a quarter past three. It was time to go to the school auditorium’s green room. Krishna picked up my bag which had my two changes of clothing and some other things like a hair net which was to be used on my bun in the throne scene. As I walked to the door, all the preceding three weeks of training instructions passed through my head, swinging my arms to swing my hips, swishing my plait from side to side, voice, adjusting my pallu to cover my breasts properly – all of it.

I felt I was ready to become – Shakuntala.

Chapter 4

Table of Contents

Chapter 2 - Early years

Chapter 2

Early Years
My first memory of myself is when I was three. As is the practice in India, at the age of about two and a half, I was admitted to school and went to the Kindergarten classes.

It was a co-educational school and boys and girls studied together. We learnt the alphabet, numbers and motor co-ordination. One of my favorite pastimes in school was playing with toys. Strangely, I found that I liked playing with the girls more than the boys. The girls were also very happy to have me play with them. In their games of playing "House", I was always the "Papa" who went to the office and came home to dinner. I loved being "Papa" all the time because I did not need to do anything - just come home and lord it over the girls!

Once or twice I became an Amma. Probably that was the first of my transgendered experiences. I was told this by my sister, Krishna, many years later. She knew it because one of my classmates is now a very good friend of Krishna's. But this friend does not remember as to whether I enjoyed it or not.

In the first standard, I shifted to a Boys Only school. The reason was that this school had very high standards of education. Coming from a rich and highly respected family, I did not have much difficulty in gaining admission to the school. In addition, I am an above average student so I was also expected to be one of those who would earn laurels for the school academically.

It was in my seventh standard that I had my first female impersonation experience. As usual, it was for a play in school. I was eleven years old then. Krishna was fourteen but had not attained complete puberty till then. Saroja was already a full grown woman and her marriage was scheduled later that year.

One evening I returned home and told my mother that I was selected to act in a school play. It was a play based on the story of Dushyant-Shakuntala. My mother was a little intrigued because how could there be a Shakuntala play in a Boys only school.

It so turned out that our class teacher was getting a little fed up of enacting only masculine plays like those based on Shivaji and Basaveshwara where the female characters were there only for minor diversions. Instead she said, "Let us take up a challenging play this time and go for a play in which the female character had a significant presence in the story".

My mother was curious and she asked me what role I was playing. I told her, “I can play only a leading role”. "Oh you are Dushyant". "No". I replied. "What?" she asked me. "I thought you are playing the leading role". "Yes I am playing a leading role but I am playing Shakuntala!". "Why not Dushyant?" Asked my mother. "Actually I wanted a challenge", I replied.

She was fascinated. She said, "but will you be up to being a girl?" I said, "I think so". "Don't be too confident" my mother sounded ominous. "I think I will manage". I said. "You know best but if you want to opt out, just feel free and if necessary I will talk to your teacher". "Don't worry" I assured my mother.

Little did I know how difficult it would be. After the first one or two days of rehearsals, I found that I was nowhere convincing like an extremely feminine character like Shakuntala.

I went to my sister Krishna and told her of my dilemma. She offered to help. She also asked Saroja to help. Saroja was happy too, to help out.

Krishna fetched an exercise book from her bookshelf. She drew a line on the floor and asked me to walk on the line with my feet always on the line. It was difficult at first but soon I was managing it.

Next she placed the book on my head and asked me to walk without letting the book fall. Now that was difficult. You should try this. Place the book on your head and walk a few steps. It is very difficult balancing the book on your head AND walking without letting the book fall.

After I managed to make a few rounds of my room with the book on my head, Krishna now made me walk on the line with the book on my head. That was even more difficult and it took me some thirty minutes of trying and failing before I first succeeded in walking the full length of the line without the book falling.

Just as I was savouring this success, Krishna now asked me to walk on the line with the book on my head and my arms at an angle of thirty to forty degrees from my body. I never managed that on that day. But the one result of this exercise was that I found that I was getting a swing of my hips which I had never thought I had!

Krishna was very happy with the results of the first day. She asked me when the play was and I replied that it was for the Annual Day which was some three weeks away. "Loads of time" she said and assured me that by the end of the three weeks, I would be so convincing a Shakuntala that even Appa (Father) would not recognise me!

The next day the same walk rehearsals continued. But today, I managed to walk the entire length of the line without the book falling and with a swing of my hips. Now Krishna said, "Let us see if some of my old clothes fit you".

She had Saroja bring some of her old blouses and saree petticoats. From them, she chose a pair which matched each other in colours.

I was asked to remove my shirt and vest. On my bare chest, I wore Krishna's blouse. These clothes were those which Krishna had worn a couple of years earlier when she was my age. I discovered that the blouse was a little loose on my breasts. I asked her how that was so.

Well she explained to me that girls always have some loose flesh on their chests which are the buds from which breasts grew once they reached the age of 12 or 13. I looked from Krishna to Saroja and found that Saroja did have grown breasts while Krishna just had small protuberances. My chest comparatively was flat like a billiard table!

The blouse was a little tight on the sleeve too. Saroja had a solution to that. With a safety pin, she quickly removed one seam of Krishna's old blouse and the blouse now fit me like it was stitched for me! Saroja also did something very odd at that time. She folded two of Krishna's handkerchiefs into pyramid shapes and inserted them into my blouse making small breast like growths on my chest. And with Krishna's saree petticoat, all of a sudden I had a very convincing girl-like silhouette.

With this dress on, Krishna asked me to practice my walk again. This time I was very feminine in my walk. The petticoat swished around my ankles, my arms swung around my hips and my whole body seemed to move from side to side as my buttocks got a very lady-like movement. I knew I was getting things right because of the way in which both Krishna and Saroja stared at me as I walked on the line.

There was one last thing before we ended our practice. Saroja brought Krishna a tape measure and Krishna measured me on the breasts, under them, on my sleeve, on my waist and on my hips. As she noted them on a piece of paper, she said, "Tomorrow, we will do something to make you look even more like Shakuntala".

The next day things progressed a little more. Today, Krishna had got a new kind of a garment which she called a Bra. It was of size 32B she explained - something I did not understand at that time. This was a new piece of garment for me as I had never seen a bra before. It turned out that Krishna had started wearing a bra under her clothes only from the previous month so she was familiar with the sizing methods. God! These girls seem to know so much about growing up that we boys are literally babes in the woods!

Soon I was stripped to my shorts and Krishna had me slip my arms in the bra and she hooked the bra on my back. The bra fitted me perfectly - and why not after all Krishna had measured me the previous day and bought a bra of my size! In those days, bras in India were made of cotton and the only elastic on a bra was in the fasteners. Also most bras were white coloured as was this one. Rarely were any other coloured bras ever seen. Krishna adjusted the shoulder straps until the cups covered what would have been my breasts if I were a girl. Out came Krishna's handkerchiefs again and were used to fill up the bra cup. When I wore the blouse, I found that even my posture changed. I was more straight backed than before and I looked really like a girl.

Krishna had one more trick up her sleeve. She produced three saree petticoats today. Two of them were shorter than the third whose length was appropriate for my height. Krishna had me wear the short ones first - one on top of the other - and then I wore the long one outside. The result was that my hips looked even more feminine than the previous day.

She had Saroja bring a Chunri from the cupboard which she draped over me like a half saree which many of the girls in South India wear. Then she had me do a little bit of walking practice - something I was now an expert at. After that, she said there were certain things I needed to know.

'The first thing to remember", she said, "is to take shorter steps. If you notice, with the two additional petticoats inside the outer one, you are unable to take longer strides. Watch Amma or me or Saroja, we are unable to take long strides while walking in sarees. You will also have to learn to walk in that way."

"The next thing is to sit like a woman. Look at us. When we sit, we don't sit with our legs separated. That is because we do not have anything between our legs which we need to keep pressing against our bodies" (Unfairly enough, I thought, both Saroja and Krishna giggled at the last remark.) "If you want to be a girl with a convincing appearance, you should start sitting with your legs closed. Lastly, since you have nearly three weeks to go for your play, grow your nails till then. On the morning of your play, I will trim them to size and apply nail polish on it like any real girl would do."

I listened to this very carefully. Little was I to know that in later years, these few pieces of advice were to help me pass like a real woman in real life too.

"Tomorrow, we will make you up too. I have asked Amma to contact a person who specializes in Bridal make up to help out."

As I went to bed that night, I really did not know whether it was a good idea to have accepted the challenge of playing Shakuntala or not. Anyway, it would be cowardice to cry off now! I would go through it, come what may!

The next day, Amma indeed had asked Vijaya who was a very well known Bridal Makeup specialist in Mangalore to help out with the make up. Vijaya had also brought along a wig which would make the picture fully complete.

Before we started, I could not but help noticing that there were a couple of brown paper packages which had the logo of my sister's tailor on it. Krishna took me inside her room where besides us only Saroja was present.

Both of them helped me wear the bra and the two inner short saree petticoats. When I started to wear the blouse, Krishna said, "Wait. Here is something better."

She tore open the paper bag which, I now noticed, she had brought along inside the room. From that bag, she pulled out a very beautiful Purple coloured blouse with a Zari border on the sleeves and below the chest. "Wear this", she said to me.

"Where did you get that?" I asked her.

"It has been stitched specially for you," she replied.

"What? But no one took any of my measurements." I said.

"Let me explain." she said. "Do you think Amma or I or Saroja will allow any man to touch us while measuring us for our clothes? What we do is to give the tailor a sample of the best fitting of our clothes on whose measurements the tailor stitches the clothes. Minor adjustments are done by him when we explain what kind of adjustments are needed to be made. I gave the other older blouse with which you were practising as a sample to my tailor and he stitched a new blouse from that. Since one of the scenes in the play will require you to be dressed up as a bride, today's make up rehearsal will be with you dressed as a bride."

I was speechless. I did not realise it but of late I was starting to enjoy being dressed up as Shakuntala and each day I was actually looking forward to the rehearsals. In school also, my teacher was intrigued as to how my mannerisms each day were becoming increasingly feminine. I had explained that I was rehearsing behaving like a woman at home with Krishna.

After I was completely dressed, Vijaya was called in.

Vijaya looked at me and said, "I think Radha will make a beautiful bride.."

I was asked to lie down on the bed with my face near the edge of the bed.. Vijaya placed a napkin on my chest right up to my chin. Then she set out to make up my face. All kinds of containers, which I could not see were being opened and closed and I could feel Vijaya's fingers working on my face. Once in a while I was asked to close my eyes and I felt Vijaya's fingers on my eyelids. During all this while I did not move one bit.

Then she asked me stand up. She opened a long thin bottle and applied some black liquid on my eyelashes. Later I was to learn that it was a mascara. Then she pulled out an eyebrow pencil and shaped my eyebrows. She also used it on my eyes to give the appearance of Kaajal.

Last of all was the lipstick. Since I was to be dressed as a bride, she chose a bright red lipstick and used it on my lips copiously. During all this time, I did not have even one opportunity to look at myself in the mirror.

Next Vijaya pulled out a wig and brushed it to get a nice fall to the hair. The hair was a straight style and was of shoulder length.. She picked a black strip of cloth from her make up kit and tied it like a hair band just above where my own hair line started. After placing it on my head, she tied it tightly on my nape so that it would stay in place even if someone were to tug at it. The other hair on top of my head was combed and flattened on top of my scalp. Vijaya then used hair spray to have it stay in place. On top of all this, Vijaya now placed the wig. The hair from the wig was a little ticklish on my ears - I had never had such long hair on my head before!

Using some bob-pins, she attached the wig to the black strip of cloth. The result was that the wig was firmly attached to my head. Using some more bob-pins, she shaped the hair-piece in such a way that it looked like it was my own hair. Since the hairpiece itself was shoulder length, Vijaya pulled out one other hairpiece which was about 18 inches long. I had seen my mother use such a hairpiece when she wore her hair in a bun and was thus familiar with that. Using the strings that hold all the hairs in this hair piece together, Vijaya attached this hair piece to the wig and blended the wig hair into this second hair piece. From a distance as near as even two feet, it would seem like I had natural long hair! I was feeling the weight of all these attachments on my head. Now Vijaya braided my hair so that I had a long braid upto my buttocks.

Krishna now helped me to wear my bridal saree. It was a purple bodied saree. Since it was a full sized saree, I had quite a time wearing it and were it not for Krishna, Saroja and Vijaya's collective help, I would never have managed it! By now I was very curious about how I looked.

There was two things before I could see myself in the mirror - jewellery and bindi. Krishna gave Vijaya a set of necklaces, her own bangles and pair of earrings. When I saw the earrings, I was aghast - were they going to pierce my ears now! Well it turned out that the earrings were a different type - clip on earrings I learnt.

Krishna helped me wear the bangles and the necklace and Vijaya put the Bindi on my forehead. I was now ready. I started walking towards the mirror when Krishna stopped me - "Don't spoil the picture - walk like you have been taught to walk!"

I walked back and slowly walked to the mirror, swinging my hips, arms at an angle of 30 degrees to my torso, short steps all in one straight line.

Vijaya gasped! So did Saroja! And I was feeling the braid on my back swing from side to side. As I approached the mirror, I stopped. Looking back at me was a beautiful girl dressed up like a bride. I did not know that make up could achieve such a change in the appearance of a person. Radhakrishnan had completely disappeared and in his place was Radha the bride!

I knew there and then that I was going to give my very best acting performance on stage!



Chapter 3

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