Chapter 4 - First time on Stage

Chapter 4

First time on Stage
Our car and the driver, Nagesh, were waiting near the main entrance of the house. The driver was Saroja’s fiancé. So he was probably in the know.

He did not smile or giggle or make any funny sounds when he saw me accompanied by Vijaya, Saroja and Krishna walk towards the car. If anything, he stared somewhat fascinatedly!

When we were all seated in the car – as the only man in the car besides the driver, I would have normally sat next to the driver, but in my present dolled up condition, I preferred to sit in the back seat flanked on either side by Krishna and Vijaya while Saroja sat in the front. The other reason was that the rear windows were darkened so I would not attract any attention if we were to get caught in a traffic jam.

During the journey, I noticed Nagesh staring at me through the rear view mirror. “What is it?” I asked him in Kannada in my Shakuntala voice. He audibly gasped, “Nothing, sir!” he said, “But what happened to your voice, sir? It is so woman-like.” “Oh nothing!” I replied in my normal voice “I was just practicing!”.

Nagesh then turned to Krishna and told, “Madam, Sir looks exactly like a lady. If I had not known that it was Sir, I would definitely have thought it was some new lady friend of yours!”

I liked that very much. It simply meant that at even such close contact, I could pass for a little girl.

Soon we reached the school auditorium. There was a fair sized crowd already assembled. Nagesh navigated the car through the crowd and stopped near the rear entrance which led directly to the rear of the stage and the green rooms. With Krishna on one side and Saroja and Vijaya on the other and Nagesh clearing the way for me, we quickly walked to one of the two green rooms and locked it from inside.

Each person who wanted come into the green room had to identify himself or herself before the door was unlocked. My teacher and the director of the play came in twice. She was very happy with my appearance. “I am sure I will be asked where I found this ‘heroine’ in a boys only school!” she said laughingly.

I called her aside and made two requests – one my name was to be announced as “Radha Baliga” and not as “Radhakrishna Baliga”. The second request was to warn all children that any teasing meted out to me in the subsequent days was to dealt with strictly with severe punishment. She agreed wholeheartedly to both those requests and said that the matter of the punishment came up for discussion between her and the school principal. The school principal had assured her that he would refer to this in his speech which was after the play.

It was approaching 4 pm and all of us were getting nervous as the play was about to begin. Krishna came to me and held both my hands and said, “Don’t worry! Everything will be all right! You have rehearsed well, you are very well made up and your dress is also perfect. What could go wrong?”

That was when I felt like crying, “I am scared what Appa will say!” I blurted out.

“Don’t worry! I talked to Amma about it last night and she has promised that you will not get into trouble with Appa because of this performance. Remember this – Amma knows about all the purchases we have made for you – bras, blouses, sarees, jewellery, everything! And she told me that she was willing to go along with you even after this if you give a good performance. Appa, if at all, will appreciate you because he is the patron of the temple Yakshagana Mandali also and he knows how difficult it is to get realistic looking male actors to perform in female roles. If he likes your performance, he might even recommend you to the Mandali for any young girl’s roles, but only if you are interested.”

Just then, my teacher knocked on the door and I was called to the right wing from where my first entry was. Just before I stepped out, Krishna called me in once again and told me something which I have always remembered. She said, “It is not enough to just be well made up and perform well on stage. Even as you approach the stage, walk like you would walking on stage – like a young girl as I have taught you. And until you are dressed like a girl, walk and behave like a girl. It makes others around you comfortable. And.. Best of Luck! You will be a perfect Shakuntala today”.

“Thank you!” I said as I stepped out of the room. I took my first few short steps towards the wings, when Vidyashankar who was playing Dushyant approached me and said, “Radha, if you were a real girl, I would have fallen in love with you! You look so beautiful!” “Thank you!” I said in my most Shakuntala like voice.

To which Vidyashankar said, “I knew you could do it, but now when I talk to you on stage, I will be talking to Shakuntala and not Radha playing a female role!”

I could not ask for a better compliment and positively blushed!

****
The play itself was a great success. And yes, the principal did make a mention of severe retribution in his speech.

I did see Appa in the first row of the audience. He did not in the least bit appear to be angry. In fact Amma and Appa were smiling encouragingly at me all through the play. After the play, Amma and Appa came backstage and to talk to me. Krishna and Saroja were also present. Appa was smiling and he said, “Radhakrishna, I am proud of you. You were brilliant on stage. Would you like to learn more about acting on stage? I have always allowed my children to learn whatever skill they wanted to learn. If you feel you want to learn acting, I can arrange to have you trained in your summer vacation in the Yakshagana Mandali.”

“Let me think about it” I told Appa. “I understand my son. Right now you must be completely tired out from your stage performance! We will now leave you to have some rest here,” so saying Appa turned.

“Appa,” I called. “Yes” he turned.

“Appa, I want you to know that were it not for Krishna, Saroja and Vijaya here nothing would have been possible.” I said.

“I know my son. I was kept informed of everything that you all were upto. Your Amma kept me in the know all through. I was worried only of one thing – that you should not become the laughing stock of your school. You know it is difficult to get rid of any such image once you acquire it!” He said.

He turned now to Krishna and said, “Krishna, you and Saroja and Vijaya have worked hard at this thing. I know that the principal is going to call Radhakrishna on stage to give him a special prize.” Turning to me he said, “Radhakrishna, it is customary that when an actor gets a prize or an award of some sort, he acknowledges the efforts of all who have helped him give the performance. I want you to promise that you will call all of Krishna, Saroja and Vijaya on stage to share your success!”

“Of course I promise Appa!” I replied.

And yes, I was given a special prize that day for my role of Shakuntala. When my name was called out, I walked out as demurely as taught to me by Krishna and while accepting, I did request that I wanted to say something.

In my Shakuntala voice, I announced that all my success today could be attributed to the efforts of Krishna, Saroja and Vijaya without whose help, I would not have been able to carry this role off. And I said that I wanted them to share the limelight with me now and requested them over the microphone to come and join me. The applause which rose at the time was almost deafening!

****
The day after the play, I resumed my usual studies which were a lagging little. However by the time the year end exams came by, I had caught up and as usual I passed the exams at the top of my class.

Summer vacation had now started and I had a lot of time on my hands. I was wondering how I could fruitfully spend it when I remembered my father’s words on the Annual Day.

A thought crossed my mind that I could give being in a Yakshagana Mandali a try. So I raised the topic with my father the next day. He agreed with alacrity to my request and said he would talk to the Manager of the Mandali immediately.

A couple of days later, Appa called me to his room one evening and introduced me to Annaji Rao. Annaji was the Manager of the Yakshagana Mandali of the Temple of our Family Diety. As the chief patron of the Mandali, Appa had immense clout and influence in the Mandali.

“Radha, I know you performed the role of Shakuntala on stage in your school. I heard of a lot of praise for it from all who had witnessed the performance. Sir, has asked me to let you be in our Mandali to learn the finer nuances of female roles on the Yakshagana Stage. Are you really interested?” Annaji Rao asked me.

“Of course I am. I assure you, it will not be a waste of time for you.” I told Annaji.

“All right then, can you come to the rehearsals tonight. We are putting up a play a fortnight from now at Kumta at the Rathotsava there. The play is based on the Ramayana. You could be Sita’s sakhi. A sakhi you know is a lady who is always around the heroine. She is the heroine’s confidante, friend, comrade-in-arms in all the tricks the heroine uses in the play. There will be a page or so of dialogues to learn and practice. You have about 10 days. Will you be able to do it, my son?” Annaji asked.

“One page of dialogues will be easy to learn and remember. I should definitely be able to do it. But Appa, the play is to be presented in Kumta which is about 100 kms from here. How can I go there?” I asked Appa.

Appa said, “Don’t worry! As such the Mandali is traveling in a special van to Kumta. And I am sure there is space for Radhakrishna in it.” From the corner of my eye, I could see Annaji nodding his head vigorously.

That night at about 7, I went to a room at the rear of our Temple. There were a six other persons there. I was introduced to each of them. Shambhu was the hero playing Rama. Shankar was the co-hero playing Lakshman. Rajamani was playing Sita whose sakhi I was to play. The other persons were the Director, the Lead Singer and the Chenda (drum) player.

The Director welcomed me and introduced me to the others in the room. Each had heard about my role as Shakuntala and were fulsome in their praise for it. Rajamani was especially effusive – perhaps his experience helped him to appreciate my performance better.

We started off with a small prayer and as the youngest in the group, I touched the feet of each of the elders and sought their blessings. The rehearsal went on till about 9 pm after which we all dispersed. Rajamani sought me out and asked me if I had some time to spare.

He invited me to his home which was on the way back to our home. In his home, were his wife and two children, a five year old and an eighteen month old. After the introductions and a cup of milk (I was still too young to be offered coffee), we retired to his room. Rajamani wanted me to look at his collection of clothes so that I could buy those what I needed in addition.

He pulled out a big trunk from under the bed and opened it. On top were some 15 wigs and hair pieces. Rajamani had been a Stree vesha (female character) actor all his life and had played all kinds of roles. He was also a stree vesha actor in non-Yakshagana theatre.

One by one, he pulled out a set of clothes that I would need for the sakhi’s role. It so turned out that I had all what I needed. The only things that were missing and I needed were the jewellery.

I chose what I wanted and set them aside. Next Rajamani taught me my first steps in Yakshagana dance. The dance by the female characters is completely different from that of the male characters. It is supposed to be sensual in nature. Having observed Yakshagana plays from a very young age, I could easily replicate the steps. But somehow, I was not feeling very comfortable with the entire concept of Yakshagana plays. I thought that the plays were far removed from reality especially because of the elaborate make up that was required by each of the characters.

I expressed my reservations to Rajamani and he concurred too. He admitted that the prime outlet for his creative urges were the non-Yakshagana theatre. I requested him to allow me to participate in such theatrical activities. He agreed to help me out.

The performance at Kumta was a complete change from that in my school earlier that year. As the son of the patron of the Mandali, I was accorded privileged status and did not have to do many of the chores which other freshly inducted actors would have done.

We returned from Kumta the day after the performance and the Mandali was already preparing to leave for Manjeshwar for a second performance of the same play four days later.

After my return, I met my father and expressed to him my reservations about being in the Yakshagana theatre. I suggested that I could be a female role actor in the non-Yakshagana Mandali of which too, my father was a patron. Appa was reluctant to allow me to become an actor. So he said, “Let us see. Not this vacation. Maybe next year”.

So that year, I stayed at home and learnt music instead.

Chapter 5

Table of Contents

Chapter 3 - Preparing for Stage

Chapter 3
Preparing for Stage
The rehearsals continued on schedule and I was happy with the progress I was making in my role as Shakuntala. I must clarify one thing though.

Although, I am a female impersonator by profession, I am not gay. I have always loved being male and loved only women. I am also not transgendered. I just play female roles on stage. At home and everywhere else, I am completely male.

A week or so before the play, during the daily rehearsals for achieving a feminine appearance, Krishna asked me to sit on my shorts while she examined my body very closely.

“What are you looking for?” I asked her. “Hair” she said. She wanted to make sure that I was not hairy in any way. Luckily I was not, so it was ok.

“But,” she said, “Remember this – a woman does not display any hair anywhere on her body except on her head. I was just making doubly sure that you were completely hairless”.

By now, the entire play had been practiced nearly a hundred times in school and I knew the dialogues by heart.

Krishna wanted to get some voice training done to me. Although, Krishna had not been on stage, she was intelligent and imaginative enough to be able to judge what would make me look and sound convincingly female.

She first asked me to recite a few of my lines of dialogue. A few minor corrections to my intonation, stress points and the note on which I spoke brought a complete change to my style of dialogue delivery. My teacher noticed this immediately the next day and complimented me for it.

Krishna also wanted to know how many scenes were there in the play. There were essentially three scenes – one where Shakuntala met Dushyant, the second marriage scene and the third where Dushyant and Shakuntala are seated on their throne.

That meant that I needed three sets of clothes – one that of an unmarried lass, one a bridal ensemble and one a regular saree blouse set. Krishna did not want me to change too many blouses during the play. She suggested that I should go for a black blouse which I could wear for the first unmarried lass scene and then the purple coloured blouse in the bridal scene and a turquoise green blouse in the throne scene. The advantage she explained was that if I wore a black bra that day, it would be invisible under all the three blouses. A white bra would have been visible under the black blouse in the lass scene.

So, the next day, Krishna arranged for a black bra of my size. When I reminded her about the other two blouses, she said, “Don’t worry! All that is being taken care of!”

Two days before the play we were to start a complete dress rehearsal. I had to be in full costume for the rehearsal. Vijaya was also asked to be at hand to attach my hair, although I would not have full makeup. I would however have some basic makeup like bindi and lipstick. Vijaya was concerned from one other point of view – time.

The first makeup session had taken nearly 30 minutes to put on. She wanted to make sure that the change from the lass make up to bridal make up was significant without requiring much time – after all it had to be done during the play itself.

The dress rehearsals went well except for one or two mistakes I was persistently making. Frequently my pallu would leave my breasts exposed in a very un-lady-like fashion. Krishna noticed that and told me to take greater care about. I did not know how I would remember.

After we returned home, Krishna had me change into my costume again. I had worn a saree so many times, that I could wear it all by myself now. When I adjusted the pallu to cover my breasts, Krishna told me one secret which women employ to know if they are indecently exposed – the use of air currents.

When a midriff is exposed, then any breeze that may be present is felt on your skin there all the time. She said, “If you feel the breeze anywhere on your body, then you know that you are exposed there. So if your pallu is improperly positioned, then you would immediately know that you are exposed. Use that to your advantage”.

One other thing she taught me that day – something which I was going to use many years later when I played a coquettish character on stage. She took a necklace and put it round my neck. Also before pinning the pallu to my blouse on my shoulder, she tugged the middle part of the paalu ever so slightly so that the middle portion which passed directly between my breasts was tighter there than that part near the edges which passed over my nipples. As a result my breasts were more prominently defined. She said, “If you are a very modest or shy girl, then you will not do this. You don’t want every man to stare at your breasts like he’s never seen it before!”

On the day of the play, I woke up very early. I could not really sleep well that night. As soon as I had finished my bath, prayers and breakfast, I joined Krishna in her room. She had already readied a small suitcase in which she was placing all the clothes I would need for the play.

Right at the bottom went the Saree, matching petticoat and blouse for the throne scene. Then the clothes for the bridal scene. Then all the jewellery and then the clothes for the lass scene. Finally on top of everything went the black bra, the wig, hair piece and a hair dryer. (Krishna had paid a princely sum of three hundred rupees to Vijaya to purchase the wig and hair piece for me.) The make up articles were to be brought by Vijaya.

The play was scheduled to start at 4pm. We were to meet in our home at about 1 pm to start my elaborate make up. I was to be fully dressed for the first scene from home itself. For the other scenes, I would change in the green room. As such there was much excitement in the school because word had spread about my extensive preparation for the play.

At about 11 am, Krishna called me to her room. She had me strip to my shorts and once again she looked my back and chest closely. She looked especially above and below my navel for any hair. I had a few hair slowly starting to grow above and below my navel. She went to her cupboard which had a number of cosmetics and pulled out a small cardboard carton from which she pulled out a pink bottle which had a lotion of some kind. With a spatula which she had stored in the carton of that cosmetic, she applied it on my skin around me navel where the hair was most grown.

“What’s that?” I asked her. “Hair remover” she said. “What does it do?” I asked. “Removes hair, stupid!” she said.

“How does it do that?” I asked. “Just watch”, she said somewhat mysteriously.

After a few minutes of silence, she went once again to her cupboard and returned with a few pieces of cotton. Using the cotton, she wiped the cream clean from my skin. To my utter surprise, I found all the hair had come off with the cream! I asked to look at the bottle. It was my first introduction to “Anne French” – a well known brand of hair removing cream in India.

Now my tummy looked just like a girl’s. Next Krishna pulled out a few bottles of nail polish. Holding them close to my hand, she chose one of the bottles and kept the remaining back in her cupboard. As per instructions given three weeks earlier, I had let my nails grow. She took a nail file and shaped them to a beautiful almond shape. Finally she applied three coats of nail polish on it – each subsequent coat only after the preceding had completely dried. It took us nearly one and a half hours before all this was completed. Krishna suggested that I should have my lunch in her room itself – it would look odd if I were to walk out with my nails painted. I opted for a light snack instead of lunch – just a few idlis and sambar. The advantage of eating idlis was that I could eat with a spoon and not have to use my fingers to eat.

Krishna insisted that I had another bath before the make up started. So I decided to shower in Krishna’s bathroom. I noticed that Krishna had left her clothes out to wash. Curiosity got the better of me and I picked up Krishna’s bra and examined it closely. I could not make head or tail of what was written on the label – something like “Maidenform Princess 32C” and so on. I was tempted to try it on just to see how I looked with a real girl’s bra on me. I picked up my vest and briefs and rolled them into a two balls and stuffed them into Krishna’s bra which I was now wearing. I realized that my chest looked significantly bigger than the bra which I was wearing during all the walk rehearsals. The bra otherwise fit me perfectly. The only difference seemed to be 32C instead of 32B. It was my first introduction to the Cup size of bras.

Realising I was losing time, I quickly showered and wiped myself dry and was about to unlatch the door, when I realized that my vest and briefs were still balled up. Oops! Almost! I shook them loose, tossed them on Krishna’s pile of clothes and walked out.

I was already wearing my briefs and had my bath towel tied around my middle. Krishna handed me the two short saree petticoats which I wore one on top of the other. Krishna told me “Tie the petticoats as tight as you can – you don’t want any accidents on stage do you!” and she giggled! I smiled too!

Then she gave me a dark blue coloured Saree petticoat which I wore on top. On top of this, I wore a printed petticoat which was of a style that most unmarried girls wear in South Indian states. The blouse is covered with a semi-transparent piece of cloth of about one and a half metres, which ends on the left side of the wearers back. I was going to wear a similar dress in the unmarried lass scenes.

As I was putting on these garments, Saroja and Vijaya had joined us. Saroja and Krishna now helped me wear the new black bra. The shoulder straps needed adjustments on this one as it was the first time I was wearing it. I, however, noticed one difference in this bra. The bra was already padded.

Vijaya noticed it too and said, “Good work, Krishna, that you bought a padded bra – gives a better shape to the bosom and you need less filling up”. And indeed, Saroja needed only one handkerchief on each side instead of two which she used with the white bra. I also noticed that my breasts looked significantly larger than before. I asked Krishna as to whether the black bra was the same size as the white one. She said, “Yes and no”. “What do you mean?” I asked her. She said, “A bra has two sizes – one the bra size and one the cup size. A bra size is dependent on your measurements below the breast. The cup size is dependent on the difference between the measurement on the breast and measurements below the breast.” I did not understand.

“Let me show – but wear the bra first and pad it up”. Once I was done, she had Saroja bring the tape measure and with it she measured me below my breast. It was 28 inches. Now she measured me on the bra where I was most padded up. It was 33 inches. She said, “Add 4 or 5 to the first measurement to get an even number. 28 plus 4 is 32 which is even – that is your bra size. The difference between your breast measurement which is 33 and your chest measurement which is 28 is 5. For a difference of 3 inches, we use a ‘A’ Cup. For 4 inches, a ‘B’ Cup. And for 5 inches a ‘C’ cup. In your case, I had to decide how big breasted I wanted to make you. I chose C because on stage, most women like to show themselves better endowed than they really are. So is it in your case too.”

So saying, she handed me a new black blouse which I wore all by myself – I had got so much practice by then! Saroja reached on my shoulder and pulled out a strap on the blouse. Deftly, she passed the strap under the bra strap and attached it to a press button which was stitched on it. She did the same on the other shoulder. Krishna explained that such an arrangement kept the bra strap on the shoulder safely and invisibly under the blouse instead of it peeping out on my shoulder.

I also found that my blouse fitted me perfectly. I spent a few moments caressing my chest from side to side – Krishna noticed and said, “Yes, I am sure it feels nice”. Krishna called me closer to her and tweaked my chest once and made a face and said,"The shape is right, but the feel is hard! Anyway, what do you care!". I blushed!

Now once again it was time to lie down on the bed. This time, the make up was to be more elaborate. Vijaya started by cutting some of the straggly hairs from my eyebrows to the proper size. Vijaya had already been instructed that no make up or alteration which had long term effects could be done. That effectively excluded removing hair from my eyebrows to achieve a good shape. But my eyebrows could be skillfully cut to get a good shape while retaining an essentially male appearance.

Vijaya first cleaned my face with a liquid which Krishna explained was a skin cleanser. All oiliness disappeared immediately. Next Vijaya poured a few drops of a skin coloured creamy liquid on to a sponge and spread it evenly on my face. The effect was of this was to cool my face suddenly. All this while, I was lying down with my eyes closed. I did not know then but I dozed off and had a good nap of some 15 minutes. By the time I woke up, Vijaya had completed the eyelid and cheek makeup. I was also smelling differently – the result of all the cosmetics on my face. Vijaya had also applied something on my neck and below till the edge of the blouse – I could feel their cooling effect.

Now she applied an eyeliner to shape my eyes. She also pulled out her mascara bottle and applied copious amounts of mascara on my eyelashes. It was now time for my hair. (Vijaya normally applies lipstick and the bindi at the very end to prevent smudging.).


I sat up on a stool. Vijaya first combed my hair back and sprayed a little hair spray on it. She held the comb in place until the hair spray dried. To be doubly sure, she had Krishna using the Hair dryer on my sprayed hair to dry it really dry. The hair stuck to me scalp like a second skin.

Next she tied the black strip of cloth just above my forehead and knotted it tightly on my nape. She took out the wig from my suitcase and brushed the hair neatly. She shook it once or twice to check whether the hair fell in natural curls or not. When they did, she place the wig first on my head. With my own real hair firmly pasted to my scalp with the hair spray, it was easier for Vijaya to insert the clip on the wig under the black strip. Holding it in place with her left hand, she combed the wig while it stayed attached to my head. The image was one of a mother combing her daughter’s hair. After Vijaya was satisfied that my hair was perfect combed on my scalp, she inserted a number of bob-pins in to set it properly. But then it was a short haired wig. So she took the second hairpiece which she skillfully attached to the base of the wig. With a comb and brush, she blended the hair from the wig into the hair of the hair-piece so that the whole arrangement looked like my head had long hair growing from it. She later proceeded to braid the hair into a long plait. As she reached the bottom end, she picked up an ornament known as a paraandaa which is commonly used in North India.

A paraandaa is composed of three strings which of the same thickness as drawstrings. These strings are however black in colour and are tied to one another at one end. At the other end of each string, there is small cloth ball. The cloth ball is not solid. Instead it has a solid core of knotted threads with threads radiating to the outer periphery somewhat loosely. The whole effect is to give a very soft feel to the balls. In addition, the entire paraandaa arrangement gives a little weight to the loose end of the braid. The result is that the braid swings more when the hips are moved from side to side. Indian men find this very sexy.

Once the paraandaa was attached to my hair, Krishna produced a couple of Gajras which are flowers which are strung on threads. Using two bob-pins, she attached them to my hair. It was now time to wear my half-saree. A half-saree usually worn by unmarried girls, is infinitely easier to wear than a full saree. Within half a minute I had worn the saree and Saroja was pinning the pallu on my shoulder. Saroja also arranged the pallu with pleats on my shoulder.

Now Krishna helped me wear bangles, a necklace and clip on earrings. She also gave me a pair of silver anklets to wear. My toenails were already painted so my feet looked quite dainty.

By this time it was nearly a quarter past three. It was time to go to the school auditorium’s green room. Krishna picked up my bag which had my two changes of clothing and some other things like a hair net which was to be used on my bun in the throne scene. As I walked to the door, all the preceding three weeks of training instructions passed through my head, swinging my arms to swing my hips, swishing my plait from side to side, voice, adjusting my pallu to cover my breasts properly – all of it.

I felt I was ready to become – Shakuntala.

Chapter 4

Table of Contents

Chapter 2 - Early years

Chapter 2

Early Years
My first memory of myself is when I was three. As is the practice in India, at the age of about two and a half, I was admitted to school and went to the Kindergarten classes.

It was a co-educational school and boys and girls studied together. We learnt the alphabet, numbers and motor co-ordination. One of my favorite pastimes in school was playing with toys. Strangely, I found that I liked playing with the girls more than the boys. The girls were also very happy to have me play with them. In their games of playing "House", I was always the "Papa" who went to the office and came home to dinner. I loved being "Papa" all the time because I did not need to do anything - just come home and lord it over the girls!

Once or twice I became an Amma. Probably that was the first of my transgendered experiences. I was told this by my sister, Krishna, many years later. She knew it because one of my classmates is now a very good friend of Krishna's. But this friend does not remember as to whether I enjoyed it or not.

In the first standard, I shifted to a Boys Only school. The reason was that this school had very high standards of education. Coming from a rich and highly respected family, I did not have much difficulty in gaining admission to the school. In addition, I am an above average student so I was also expected to be one of those who would earn laurels for the school academically.

It was in my seventh standard that I had my first female impersonation experience. As usual, it was for a play in school. I was eleven years old then. Krishna was fourteen but had not attained complete puberty till then. Saroja was already a full grown woman and her marriage was scheduled later that year.

One evening I returned home and told my mother that I was selected to act in a school play. It was a play based on the story of Dushyant-Shakuntala. My mother was a little intrigued because how could there be a Shakuntala play in a Boys only school.

It so turned out that our class teacher was getting a little fed up of enacting only masculine plays like those based on Shivaji and Basaveshwara where the female characters were there only for minor diversions. Instead she said, "Let us take up a challenging play this time and go for a play in which the female character had a significant presence in the story".

My mother was curious and she asked me what role I was playing. I told her, “I can play only a leading role”. "Oh you are Dushyant". "No". I replied. "What?" she asked me. "I thought you are playing the leading role". "Yes I am playing a leading role but I am playing Shakuntala!". "Why not Dushyant?" Asked my mother. "Actually I wanted a challenge", I replied.

She was fascinated. She said, "but will you be up to being a girl?" I said, "I think so". "Don't be too confident" my mother sounded ominous. "I think I will manage". I said. "You know best but if you want to opt out, just feel free and if necessary I will talk to your teacher". "Don't worry" I assured my mother.

Little did I know how difficult it would be. After the first one or two days of rehearsals, I found that I was nowhere convincing like an extremely feminine character like Shakuntala.

I went to my sister Krishna and told her of my dilemma. She offered to help. She also asked Saroja to help. Saroja was happy too, to help out.

Krishna fetched an exercise book from her bookshelf. She drew a line on the floor and asked me to walk on the line with my feet always on the line. It was difficult at first but soon I was managing it.

Next she placed the book on my head and asked me to walk without letting the book fall. Now that was difficult. You should try this. Place the book on your head and walk a few steps. It is very difficult balancing the book on your head AND walking without letting the book fall.

After I managed to make a few rounds of my room with the book on my head, Krishna now made me walk on the line with the book on my head. That was even more difficult and it took me some thirty minutes of trying and failing before I first succeeded in walking the full length of the line without the book falling.

Just as I was savouring this success, Krishna now asked me to walk on the line with the book on my head and my arms at an angle of thirty to forty degrees from my body. I never managed that on that day. But the one result of this exercise was that I found that I was getting a swing of my hips which I had never thought I had!

Krishna was very happy with the results of the first day. She asked me when the play was and I replied that it was for the Annual Day which was some three weeks away. "Loads of time" she said and assured me that by the end of the three weeks, I would be so convincing a Shakuntala that even Appa (Father) would not recognise me!

The next day the same walk rehearsals continued. But today, I managed to walk the entire length of the line without the book falling and with a swing of my hips. Now Krishna said, "Let us see if some of my old clothes fit you".

She had Saroja bring some of her old blouses and saree petticoats. From them, she chose a pair which matched each other in colours.

I was asked to remove my shirt and vest. On my bare chest, I wore Krishna's blouse. These clothes were those which Krishna had worn a couple of years earlier when she was my age. I discovered that the blouse was a little loose on my breasts. I asked her how that was so.

Well she explained to me that girls always have some loose flesh on their chests which are the buds from which breasts grew once they reached the age of 12 or 13. I looked from Krishna to Saroja and found that Saroja did have grown breasts while Krishna just had small protuberances. My chest comparatively was flat like a billiard table!

The blouse was a little tight on the sleeve too. Saroja had a solution to that. With a safety pin, she quickly removed one seam of Krishna's old blouse and the blouse now fit me like it was stitched for me! Saroja also did something very odd at that time. She folded two of Krishna's handkerchiefs into pyramid shapes and inserted them into my blouse making small breast like growths on my chest. And with Krishna's saree petticoat, all of a sudden I had a very convincing girl-like silhouette.

With this dress on, Krishna asked me to practice my walk again. This time I was very feminine in my walk. The petticoat swished around my ankles, my arms swung around my hips and my whole body seemed to move from side to side as my buttocks got a very lady-like movement. I knew I was getting things right because of the way in which both Krishna and Saroja stared at me as I walked on the line.

There was one last thing before we ended our practice. Saroja brought Krishna a tape measure and Krishna measured me on the breasts, under them, on my sleeve, on my waist and on my hips. As she noted them on a piece of paper, she said, "Tomorrow, we will do something to make you look even more like Shakuntala".

The next day things progressed a little more. Today, Krishna had got a new kind of a garment which she called a Bra. It was of size 32B she explained - something I did not understand at that time. This was a new piece of garment for me as I had never seen a bra before. It turned out that Krishna had started wearing a bra under her clothes only from the previous month so she was familiar with the sizing methods. God! These girls seem to know so much about growing up that we boys are literally babes in the woods!

Soon I was stripped to my shorts and Krishna had me slip my arms in the bra and she hooked the bra on my back. The bra fitted me perfectly - and why not after all Krishna had measured me the previous day and bought a bra of my size! In those days, bras in India were made of cotton and the only elastic on a bra was in the fasteners. Also most bras were white coloured as was this one. Rarely were any other coloured bras ever seen. Krishna adjusted the shoulder straps until the cups covered what would have been my breasts if I were a girl. Out came Krishna's handkerchiefs again and were used to fill up the bra cup. When I wore the blouse, I found that even my posture changed. I was more straight backed than before and I looked really like a girl.

Krishna had one more trick up her sleeve. She produced three saree petticoats today. Two of them were shorter than the third whose length was appropriate for my height. Krishna had me wear the short ones first - one on top of the other - and then I wore the long one outside. The result was that my hips looked even more feminine than the previous day.

She had Saroja bring a Chunri from the cupboard which she draped over me like a half saree which many of the girls in South India wear. Then she had me do a little bit of walking practice - something I was now an expert at. After that, she said there were certain things I needed to know.

'The first thing to remember", she said, "is to take shorter steps. If you notice, with the two additional petticoats inside the outer one, you are unable to take longer strides. Watch Amma or me or Saroja, we are unable to take long strides while walking in sarees. You will also have to learn to walk in that way."

"The next thing is to sit like a woman. Look at us. When we sit, we don't sit with our legs separated. That is because we do not have anything between our legs which we need to keep pressing against our bodies" (Unfairly enough, I thought, both Saroja and Krishna giggled at the last remark.) "If you want to be a girl with a convincing appearance, you should start sitting with your legs closed. Lastly, since you have nearly three weeks to go for your play, grow your nails till then. On the morning of your play, I will trim them to size and apply nail polish on it like any real girl would do."

I listened to this very carefully. Little was I to know that in later years, these few pieces of advice were to help me pass like a real woman in real life too.

"Tomorrow, we will make you up too. I have asked Amma to contact a person who specializes in Bridal make up to help out."

As I went to bed that night, I really did not know whether it was a good idea to have accepted the challenge of playing Shakuntala or not. Anyway, it would be cowardice to cry off now! I would go through it, come what may!

The next day, Amma indeed had asked Vijaya who was a very well known Bridal Makeup specialist in Mangalore to help out with the make up. Vijaya had also brought along a wig which would make the picture fully complete.

Before we started, I could not but help noticing that there were a couple of brown paper packages which had the logo of my sister's tailor on it. Krishna took me inside her room where besides us only Saroja was present.

Both of them helped me wear the bra and the two inner short saree petticoats. When I started to wear the blouse, Krishna said, "Wait. Here is something better."

She tore open the paper bag which, I now noticed, she had brought along inside the room. From that bag, she pulled out a very beautiful Purple coloured blouse with a Zari border on the sleeves and below the chest. "Wear this", she said to me.

"Where did you get that?" I asked her.

"It has been stitched specially for you," she replied.

"What? But no one took any of my measurements." I said.

"Let me explain." she said. "Do you think Amma or I or Saroja will allow any man to touch us while measuring us for our clothes? What we do is to give the tailor a sample of the best fitting of our clothes on whose measurements the tailor stitches the clothes. Minor adjustments are done by him when we explain what kind of adjustments are needed to be made. I gave the other older blouse with which you were practising as a sample to my tailor and he stitched a new blouse from that. Since one of the scenes in the play will require you to be dressed up as a bride, today's make up rehearsal will be with you dressed as a bride."

I was speechless. I did not realise it but of late I was starting to enjoy being dressed up as Shakuntala and each day I was actually looking forward to the rehearsals. In school also, my teacher was intrigued as to how my mannerisms each day were becoming increasingly feminine. I had explained that I was rehearsing behaving like a woman at home with Krishna.

After I was completely dressed, Vijaya was called in.

Vijaya looked at me and said, "I think Radha will make a beautiful bride.."

I was asked to lie down on the bed with my face near the edge of the bed.. Vijaya placed a napkin on my chest right up to my chin. Then she set out to make up my face. All kinds of containers, which I could not see were being opened and closed and I could feel Vijaya's fingers working on my face. Once in a while I was asked to close my eyes and I felt Vijaya's fingers on my eyelids. During all this while I did not move one bit.

Then she asked me stand up. She opened a long thin bottle and applied some black liquid on my eyelashes. Later I was to learn that it was a mascara. Then she pulled out an eyebrow pencil and shaped my eyebrows. She also used it on my eyes to give the appearance of Kaajal.

Last of all was the lipstick. Since I was to be dressed as a bride, she chose a bright red lipstick and used it on my lips copiously. During all this time, I did not have even one opportunity to look at myself in the mirror.

Next Vijaya pulled out a wig and brushed it to get a nice fall to the hair. The hair was a straight style and was of shoulder length.. She picked a black strip of cloth from her make up kit and tied it like a hair band just above where my own hair line started. After placing it on my head, she tied it tightly on my nape so that it would stay in place even if someone were to tug at it. The other hair on top of my head was combed and flattened on top of my scalp. Vijaya then used hair spray to have it stay in place. On top of all this, Vijaya now placed the wig. The hair from the wig was a little ticklish on my ears - I had never had such long hair on my head before!

Using some bob-pins, she attached the wig to the black strip of cloth. The result was that the wig was firmly attached to my head. Using some more bob-pins, she shaped the hair-piece in such a way that it looked like it was my own hair. Since the hairpiece itself was shoulder length, Vijaya pulled out one other hairpiece which was about 18 inches long. I had seen my mother use such a hairpiece when she wore her hair in a bun and was thus familiar with that. Using the strings that hold all the hairs in this hair piece together, Vijaya attached this hair piece to the wig and blended the wig hair into this second hair piece. From a distance as near as even two feet, it would seem like I had natural long hair! I was feeling the weight of all these attachments on my head. Now Vijaya braided my hair so that I had a long braid upto my buttocks.

Krishna now helped me to wear my bridal saree. It was a purple bodied saree. Since it was a full sized saree, I had quite a time wearing it and were it not for Krishna, Saroja and Vijaya's collective help, I would never have managed it! By now I was very curious about how I looked.

There was two things before I could see myself in the mirror - jewellery and bindi. Krishna gave Vijaya a set of necklaces, her own bangles and pair of earrings. When I saw the earrings, I was aghast - were they going to pierce my ears now! Well it turned out that the earrings were a different type - clip on earrings I learnt.

Krishna helped me wear the bangles and the necklace and Vijaya put the Bindi on my forehead. I was now ready. I started walking towards the mirror when Krishna stopped me - "Don't spoil the picture - walk like you have been taught to walk!"

I walked back and slowly walked to the mirror, swinging my hips, arms at an angle of 30 degrees to my torso, short steps all in one straight line.

Vijaya gasped! So did Saroja! And I was feeling the braid on my back swing from side to side. As I approached the mirror, I stopped. Looking back at me was a beautiful girl dressed up like a bride. I did not know that make up could achieve such a change in the appearance of a person. Radhakrishnan had completely disappeared and in his place was Radha the bride!

I knew there and then that I was going to give my very best acting performance on stage!



Chapter 3

Table of Contents

Chapter 1 - Beginnings

Chapter 1

Beginnings

My name is Radhakrishnan, but have always been known as Radha for short. I am a female impersonator in the traditional plays of South Kanara. On stage and as an actress, I perform by the name of Radha.

This autobiography is my life's story till today.

The Internet is a wonderful thing. One does not need to go through the trouble of finding a publisher to publish one's writings. And a published autobiography can soon become dated because life does not stop! The Internet circumvents all these problems because it is possible to publish newer chapters as soon as events occur in one's life.

This autobiography will be constantly "under construction" as newer chapters will continue to get added all the time.

I was born in the coastal city of Mangalore in the second half of 1958 to Ranganath and Devi Baliga - their younger child. Yes Ranganath, my father, is the third generation owner of a famous brand of Bidis manufactured in the coastal areas of Mangalore. So in a way you could say I was born with something better than a silver spoon in my mouth.

Before me, is Krishna my elder sister and a major influence on my life. Even if one were to pray for a sister like Krishna, you would not be blessed with a sister as understanding, as helpful, as loving as Krishna.

Our families are ardent devotees of the Udipi Shrikrishna Temple. So my father was named after Krishna as are my sister and I. We are also highly respected in the city of Mangalore - I expect it comes with the massive wealth which my ancestors had accumulated from the business of manufacturing Bidis. Wherever we go, we are accorded treatment reserved for royalty and celebreties..the choicest seats, no standing in queues, literally all stops are pulled when it came to dealing with us.

When I was born, there was a minor celebration in our family. After a daughter, a son was born and as is traditional in Hindu families, a son is always desired to keep the name of the family going. My parents reportedly spent some fifteen thousand rupees in 1958 prices only to feed the poor. Such was the way my arrival was greeted in my family!

My parents were very happy that a son was born and no expense was spared to keep me happy. I still recollect all the toys I had in my childhood - a full room in our ancestral bungalow in Bijai in Mangalore.

I also had two servants exclusively employed to after my needs - Saroja and Sharda. Saroja was Sharda's daughter and was 8 years old when I was born. Sharda had been working with our family since her own childhood and had now progressed to a foreman like position for all the other servants of the household. As her work required her to be available at all times, Sharda was allocated an outhouse in the somewhat sprawling bungalow which my great grandfather had originally built. And as is traditional in Indian families, all of Sharda's needs were taken care of by our family. So it was only appropriate that Saroja was thought to be appropriate for taking care of me. It would train Saroja for her eventual responsiblity as a mother to her children once she was married off.

Right from my babyhood, Saroja and my sister Krishna were my constant companions. Krishna is 2 years older to me. When I was born, Krishna was probably more thrilled and excited than my father for whom I was the one who would carry forward the family name.

For Krishna, I was not only her baby brother but also her doll. As soon as I was born, Krishna stopped asking for any more dolls - as she was to tell me later. Saroja and Krishna would always change me when I soiled myself, keep me in freshly laundered clothes all the time. At mealtimes, Saroja would feed me while Krishna would watch me, tell me stories or show me picture books.

My mother was the "Amma" to the entire household and the servants. My mother was not very highly educated but in terms of knowledge about the world, she was well read. She could talk with anyone on any subject under the sun and talk intelligently at that. Unlike other women of her generation, she was very aware of the political happenings at the time and could debate and hold her own opinion without seeming to offend anyone. If she was not married to my father, my mother would surely have gone into politics and made a great success of it. Well politics' loss was my gain.

Chapter 2

Table of Contents